Gives You Hell

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place

And you're still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far

You've never seem so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where'd it all go wrong, the list goes on and on

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see, what you've done to me
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And he hears all your lies,
You can look me in the eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well

When you see my face hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well hope it gives you hell

When you see my face hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and you sing along oh you'll never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
You can sing along I hope that it puts you through hell

All-American Rejects

i love how some songs cheer me up. :)

Currently Listening To: Gives You Hell - All-American Rejects

Oh For Crying Out Loud

first of all, no offence to all the women out there, but...

A GIRL, IS JUST A GIRL OK.

it just sickens me to see some guys who treat girls like they're so fragile and can't stand for themselves.

it's so annoying as well the way they treat girls like they're the utmost priority in their life.

u know, it makes sense if they're actually trying to go after the girl and make her their gf. like really, i get that.

but COME ON. if you have a gf and the girl has a bf, honestly what the hell are you doing.


it's annoying how the guy will be willing to cancel plans with a guy in a snap, but when it comes to girls, they're like "oh cannot la."


and they're like extra nice to girls. asking "are you ok?" "how you feeling?"


it's just a girl! they're def NOT gonna die if you're not always there for them. esp when they don't need you to be like that.


i'm pretty sure girls are tough enough.


SICKENING.


ugh. i dunno what to say la. just UGH.

i guess i'm really bugged how someone can be so rough and tough and then being all nice and sweet to girls. JUST GIRLS.

why la why? who u trying to impress for? girls are just human beings ok.

i guess i'm also bugged cuz these ppl do it for ALL the girls.



GAH. if u get what i mean then ya la. SO IRRITATING.

she's not yours, she's not gonna be yours and u already have yours. enough with the sucking up and trying to be impressive.


DISGUSTING LA.


k my rant is done.

Currently Listening To: Vampires Will Never Hurt You - My Chemical Romance

Breakin'

Hold on tight
Wrap your arms around me til your knuckles are burning white
All your tears
Couldn't match the bitter taste of all these wasted years

You take take
Everything that wasn't even yours
Wait wait
You don't got a hold of me anymore

(Chorus)
In a clear view there's a silhouette
And I watch you and I can't forget
Knew we were done when you locked that door
Yeah I figured it out now
Breaking's what the heart is for

When I see you in a silhouette
And you hold close
Do you feel regret
Keeping me down when I hit that floor
And I figured it out girl
Breakings what your heart is for

For so long
I've had to bite my tongue but what's the point if the feelings gone
I turn my head
Learned I only see some memory but all I see is red

Don't don't
Say it didn't happen that way
I won't won't
Believe another word that you say

(chorus)
In a clear view there's a silhouette
And I watch you and I can't forget
Knew we were done when you locked that door
Yeah I figured it out now
Breaking's what the heart is for

When I see you in a silhouette
And you hold close
Do you feel regret
Keeping me down when I hit that floor
And I figured it out girl
Breakings what your heart is for

Yeah breaking's what your heart is for
Yeah breaking's what your heart is for

And not a soul sleeps
Another heart skips a beat
It's every note that you wrote and I hope that you choke on the lines
You're wasting my time, another heart beats tonight

(chorus)
In a clear view there's a silhouette
And I watch you, no I'll never forget
Knew we were done when you locked that door
Yeah I figured it out now
Breaking's what the heart is for

When I see you in a silhouette
And you hold close
Do you feel regret
Keeping me down when I hit that floor
And I figured it out girl
Breakings what your heart is for

Yeah breaking's what your heart is for (X4)

All-American Rejects

Currently Listening To: Breakin' - All-American Rejects

Trust Me, I Literally Cringe When I Hear Fakeness

it's like i'm suffering ok.

like bad. cuz for your sake, i don't expose you for the fake you are.


ugh. cannot tahan fakeness la.

as much as it might look like an advantage, being able to see through ppl and the "stories" they put up, isn't fun at all.



torture torture.


and then, when other ppl be fake, i have to end up being fake to tolerate them.

the only justifiable thing i can say for that is, do unto others.


but still! so annoying! >:(

Currently Listening To: Your Own Disaster - Taking Back Sunday

To Ask Would Mean Work

i realised, to ask what's up, i'd have to care.


unfortunately, i didn't want to care.

Currently Listening To: Back To Me - All-American Rejects

Because, I Don't Believe In Love Anymore

it's funny, we were talking about all the people getting married and stuff.

and then i was asked, when am i getting married.

and i thought about it, and considering all that has happened to me, and quite possibly, i probably won't get married. that's what i said too.

i mean what's the point. as i see it, there's quite possibly no girl in this world whom i could/would fall for, who would actually love.

there's no more love in the world. just lust. what the eyes and the flesh wants.

i think i've come to believe that there's no girl who could love without lust.


so yeah. i'm not interested. at all. cuz in today's world, i don't believe there's such a thing as just love anymore.




if i can actually find someone, whom i can fall for too, then i might get married.

but i doubt it.


love is dead.



but the bright side is, doesn't mean i can't be happy. :)

Currently Listening To: Picture - Kid Rock

Punishment

you know it's a punishment when you're suffering.

well i'm kinda suffering. considering how so many ppl i know went. and i wanted to go. and i usually go "every year".

but haih. the year when everything is PERFECT to go, a.k.a. a lot of my friends were going, it's smth i usually go for, it sounds like fun etc. and that's the year, i don't/not allowed to go.

but haih, i guess i deserve it for letting what happened to me that 2 saturdays ago.


so it's true, if you screw up, u get punished. and you suffer.

oh well. i deserved it.



but, the good thing is, i still had a good time tonight. i love hanging out with my friends. it was really good tonight. :) had fun. :)


although some people's behaviours were disappointing, i'm not gonna let it affect me.



it was still good. i even learnt smth tonight abt being punished for wrong done.

so, tonight = good night. :)


Goodnight! :)

Currently Listening To: I Can Love You Like That - All 4 One

Why You Shouldn't Let People Affect The Things You Wanna Do

seriously tho. if you let ppl affect the things u wanna do, ure nvr gonna be able to do it. some things in life, u just gotta do it.

from where i see it, in my life, if i saw it like "crap, if grow my hair long, and str8en it, everyone is gonna think i'm some sorta girl doing girly things". and if i did that i would never have had my long hair. but thankfully, i don't care what ppl think that much. so i did it. and i've no regrets in keeping my hair long. i had a gr8 time having it long.

another example, skateboarding. here, it's like only the kiwis are the ones u'll see skateboarding. and i can think "crap, i'm not a kiwi, so i shouldn't be skating. plus no other malaysian does it.. bla bla bla." but no. i can skate so why should i think like that. so i told myself do it. why take 15 mins to get to class when u can do it in 5 mins.

there's a saying:

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

hmmm.

honeslty, if it's something that's not going to ruin ur life in any way. just do it. if your heart wants to do it, and it's not wrong. then do it. are you really gonna let what ppl think affect you so much that you end up just doing things to please other people.

so they might end up thinking ure weird, poser, trying to act cool etc. but as long as you know what reasons ure doing it for, then why should you worry what they think abt you.

u'll only worry if u know they're right. and if they're right, well then u've got a problem of being fake.



and speaking of being fake, sometimes, i feel like i'm going to burst at how some people can be so fake. in front of you, they'll talk nicely, and behind your back, hah, u know la.

the best part is, these ppl are the ones who are the most affected by what others say. they must be on the nice list of everyone. and they end up being fake. it's so annoying! cuz they say stuff to please others. and have no backbone. the moment someone says smth different. they change their view. ugh. their main goal is to get ppl to like them. and the way they do this is by being fake.

as for me, i really can't stand it. just be real la. if ppl don't like it. then change! i mean, ppl are not going to hate smth good. so if they hate you, then there's smth bad abt you. and there's nth wrong with changing smth bad.


k my rant seems random as. but it's basically coming from the fact that ppl who are affected so much by what ppl think that they end up being fake and "got no balls" to stand up for what they believe in.

come on! man up!

I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me

Fall Out Boy

Currently Listening To: I Don't Care - Fall Out Boy

John Joins The Coolest Groups

seriously. this is like remedy la. just go to his page and laugh. damn cool la.

Currently Watching: Lost - Season 6 Episode 10

The End Of It All

thx Manjuli for the pic.

says everything i need to say

Currently Listening To: Consuming Fire - Hillsong United

My Cousin Said It Right

"No, not all Indians are "black" and yes, there are Indians that are " fair".And so what if we're EITHER? At least we've come to terms with it and have learnt to embrace what God has given us. What's with your obsession about our skin colour anyway?"

finally i know that i'm not over reacting. or being over sensitive and there are ppl who feel the same way as me.



and it's funny to note the ppl who make the comments abt the skin colour as well.

Currently Listening To: Always - Hillsong United

So As For Now, It's Been Decided

so ya. i'm moving. this place is kinda too public for personal stuff. yet at the same time, i have non-private stuff i wanna say.

SO.

this blog: thoughts, stuff i find interesting, music i like

other blog: personal stuff, daily life, stuff that i don't feel like the whole world knowing


so ya.


amazing ah. i just figure out how to do that one thing on FB, and sudd i like damn happy, no worries at all. hahaha.


n i've been putting this off for too long. i shouldn't keep any of them hanging. time to make a move.

now how do i do that?

WHOOOOOOOO. k this is like the last personal post here. Hopefully. haha.

Currently Listening To: Second Chance - Hillsong United

The Hug

i found out, it was never the girl that made the hug special.

esp under current circumstances, it's even more meaningless now.

but that night, when i got the same hug from another, it still felt as good.

there was no diff as to who i was hugging. the hug felt just as same.


well how bout that? i nvr thought it was that not special. til i finally received it from someone else.



hugs make u feel good. it cheers you up.

there seriously needs more hugs going around.

Currently Listening To: Take All Of Me - Hillsong United

WHAT??!

the funny thing is i don't feel so much.

but i'm still super pissed off.

and it's like i want to burst out swearing.

but the experiment is over. so no more swearing.

BUT YA.


justice justice. where art thou?

Currently Listening To: Error: Operator - Taking Back Sunday

Ok. I Think I'm Like Retarded Or Something

like that day. despite everything she's done. i still sempat lagi defend her. for the wrong things she did. like trying to justify why she did the things. even though it's totally unjustifiable.

what's wrong with me?

i mean the first i tried to do when i found out is not be angry.

why should i even try? i have a right to be angry.


then when i came back. what do i do? still find a way to get someone to talk to her to get thru her head. and that time cuz i was truly disappointed and still wanted her to change.

honestly, how is it possible to care for someone who doesn't care? and that also care so much.

why ah why?

even my last dying wish was so that she'd change. and i realise the last thing in the world isn't even smth for me!

what am i doing? seriously, how can i even think like that?


and even in my anger, and the way i wanted to get revenge, in some way, i realise i may have meant well too.


shit. =/


there's something really wrong with me. i care too much. i didn't even know that such a thing is possible.




what's horrifying is,


i still know i'm capable of forgiving.


=/




shit.


Currently Listening To: Mama - My Chemical Romance

I Miss This

doing this song. and the way we did it. was def a highlight of my life i think.

i mean the song itself. A+

the "freeze" in between. A+

the fact that we're opening for Juwita Suwito. pretty freaking awesome. LOL.


i like performing. and playing guitar. i just need to learn up well so i'm good at it.

and this is a random thought. but the weirdest thing i've ever done is PRETEND to play on stage. reason why? cuz they didn't want musicians going up and down. so they made everyone stay. and i don't even play any part in that song.

but i pulled it off! which means i'm a good actor. k if engineering fails. ACTING! :D

hahahaha


k that's it. :)

Currently Listening To: My Immortal - Evanesence

Although It Was Mean

but i still like the fact that my friends have got my back.

of course it would have been better if i knew what they were doing with my phone.

but yeah. at least things that should have been said were said.



and in other news, slowly removing every single thing.

the emails and the texts are all gone.

now just the physical stuff.


i need to get a new wallet.

i'm glad i nvr wore that shirt yet too.

You're making a choice to live like this

Light Up The Sky
Yellowcard

Currently Listening To: Light Up The Sky - Yellowcard

Screwed Up

the amount i'm disappointed with myself right now is pretty immeasurable.



i can't believe what i did. or at least what i let happen.


it was one of the things i was nvr supposed to do in my whole life.



the worst part is, i don't feel as bad as i should have. =/




and the funny thing is, i now see how much easier it is for people to accept me once they know i'm not so holy and i'm a screw up too.


funny how that works right?

screw up and the world loves you.


no wonder it's pretty impossible to stay good.



haih.


seems like when everything goes bad. it all happens at the same time.


but yet, things have still been good and fun.


hmmmmmmmm

my life is a mess. haih

Currently Listening To: History Maker - Delirious?

Life Lessons From SG

Currently Listening To: New Again - Taking Back Sunday

I'm Out

for my own good.

cuz i need to find a place where i feel worth it.

Currently Listening To: In Pieces - Mae

Learning To Be Quiet

so many questions

so many empty spaces

so many thoughts

so many other factors



BUT, you don't wanna hear.

so nvm. i shall learn to shut up.

keep it in.

postpone postpone.

but we'll nvr find the right time.

so guess we'll just postpone til it's too late.


time to think about other factors i guess.

i know that's what ur main plan is anyway.

not offended. it's just... you. to do so.





doesn't it suck, when you can do everything right, but just nvr get what you deserve or want? and everyone else just seems to get what they want. everytime. haih.


i think i should give up.

i don't wanna tire myself out hoping for something i deserve, but i will never get.

Currently Listening To: Is It You - Cassie

Haven't Met You Yet

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get~ mmm.......
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmmm ....

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility, mmmmmm....

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right an',
we'll be united

Instrumental

and I know that we can be so amazin',
And bein' in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmmmm

And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
Promise you kid I’ll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Oh, you know it'll all turn out,
and you'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get, yeah
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet,
Oh, promise you kid,
To give so much more than I get.

I said love love love love love love love.....
I just haven't met you yet
Love love love .....
So doy day ay ay ay, ay ay yeah
I just haven't met you yet!

Michael Buble

Currently Listening To: Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble

Nobody Realises What They're Doing Because They Don't Take The Time To Put Themselves In Others' Shoes

I read this.

And what i picked up from it, is how "asian" (or basically ppl who speak chinese in this context) ppl get quite irritated if ppl think they speak like that.

what goes through my head, or what my imagination cooks up is a scene like this;


a non-asian guy goes listen to me speak chinese "Ching Chang Chong"

then asian kid who hears this gets all irritated and insulted.


well that's what i see la when i read this group's name.

do you see that as well?


if ure "asian", would you feel irritated and insulted?





now. maybe i should create a group "Hi, I'm Indian, and NO, i don't speak like this, "*insert your interpretation of any Indian language which is not true here*".


if u've been following this whole post, you'll catch my drift about what i'm really intending to get through.

and to put it simply for those who find this complicated, if you don't like stuff being done to you, don't do the same shit to others.

and honestly. laughing at the imitation just don't, definitely DOES NOT help the situation at all. it prob just shows how even more rude you are.

it's funny how easliy we'll call a drunk guy, who's just shouting out at random ppl on the road while diring past, racist just because he also shouts something at you as he goes past.

nobody takes into account what he actually said or whether it was even a racist comment. it's just easier and "the norm" to say he's racist, even though he's just being drunk.


we'll easily call him racist but we don't notice the racist things we do to others around us. even when they're actually our friends and not random strangers.




k i'm done. just something for you to think about. took almost 2 hours to try and figure out the right words to put here. i'm off to bed now.



think about it.

and do something about it.

Currently Listening To: Uniform - Bloc Party

Other Than The Work I Should Be Doing

my fridays since i've been back has really been awesome.

i'd say more.

but i got nth to say.

and it's 5 smth in the morning.

and out again tmrw.


interesting fact of the evening: maybe there actually is smth. explains the behaviour. maybe i'm just flattering myself. hmmm.

SLEEP

Currently Watching: Scary Movie 2

There's Only So Much I Can Try

so if you don't do your part, there's nothing i can do.

n the limit is made worse by the fact that both you and i agree that i'm trying for something that i don't deserve. we know i deserve better.

but i place myself here. doing something that i believe 90% of ppl wouldn't agree with me doing so. and would deem it not worth it.

so i'm trying, for something not worth it, when it shouldn't be me who should be trying?

the worst part is, i'm not even getting what i deserve and i'm trying.




i guess, i'm actually finally reaching my limit as to how much i can try. to the point where, i feel like i just don't feel anything anymore. like it has become so insignificant (when it should hurt bad) that i can still live everyday WITH it in my mind, and it just doesn't matter.

i'm either at that apathetic point, or i'm really close to it.

there's only so much i can try til i realise it's not worth fighting for.

i wonder if there's a phrase or quote for this feeling.


i'm not dropping and leaving and disappearing into nothingness. i'm just dropping the idea, which as the days go by, seems to grow even more impossible.






cuz if you don't try, then i'm gone.

cuz everyday seems to lead me to believe that friends is actually good.

i'm not pissed off. i cant force myself to be good enough. or to mean something. i am in a way doing what you wanted, but when even that is not good enough, then there's pretty much nothing i can do right?

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

Everything You Want
Vertical Horizon

sry for the emo post. it's late. i'm tired. hence, emo. :)

goodnight

Currently Listening To: The Only Exception - Paramore

Feeling Sorry

We still live the same town, well don't we?
But I don't see you around anymore.
I go to all the same places
Not even a trace of you.
Your days are numbered at 24.

And I'm getting bored waiting 'round for you.
We're not getting any younger.
And I won't look back 'cause there's no use.
Its time to move forward.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry.

Well I try not to think of what might happen.
When your reality it finally cuts through.
Well as for me I got out and I'm on the road.
The worst part is that this, this could be you.

You know it too.
You can't run from your shame.
You're not getting any younger.
Time keeps passing by
but you wave it away.
Its time to roll over.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave.
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying.
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry.

All the best lies
they are told with fingers tied.
So cross them tight.
Won't you promise me tonight.
If its the last thing you do
you'll get out.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave.
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying.
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time, I've got no time.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave.
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying.
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time.
I've got no time for feeling sorry.

I've got no time for feeling sorry.

Paramore

i'm still in Paramore mood. :)

Currently Listening To: Feeling Sorry - Paramore

Miracle

I'm not going
Cause I've been waiting for a miracle
And I'm not leaving
I won't let you
Let you give up on a miracle
Cause it might save you

Paramore

pretty cool lyrics. :)

and no. you can't just pick the ones you want to hear. you take it all. :)

don't pretend you didn't see/hear/read what i said. don't ignore it. do something about it. :)




the more i think about it. the more i realise what's happening. the more i'm setting my life str8. the more i see what i should be doing and what shouldn't hope for.

the more i realise how to be happy i guess.


i have to not let this matter. and it'll work out gr8. :)

i'm in a pretty okay mood. cept reading msn convo history and all the things said. esp the things that are a huge deal treated like none. haih.

but be happy! :)

FRIDAY.


if only i could go earlier. haih.


OFF NOW. :)

Currently Listening To: Feeling Sorry - Paramore

Story Tellers

u know what's interesting?

people just love telling stories about other people. they just can't seem to help it.

it's like if there's smth abt someone, a "story" if you might like, someone will def talk abt it. and spread the "Story".

it's funny. cuz like, it's like usually the same person who's always the one spreading the story. and what's even funnier is that some of these ppl, don't like ppl talking abt them/the stuff they do/things abt them.


i mean, it's guess it's fine if it's one off things. but some ppl just love talking abt others.

and it's getting to a point it's annoying.

so seriously. for me, stop talking abt me. anything. i love my anonymity. n i'd like to keep it that way. the things i do, i can tell for myself. don't need you to be my messenger. don't recall hiring you too.


thanks. :)

Currently Listening To: Check Yes Juliet - We The Kings

For Once, Monday Was An AWESOME Day

yeapsssssssssssssssssssss

i got the tickets today! :D hahaha



woooohoooo happpyyyyy :D


and i put up my CD wall in my new room. awesomeeeee :D



now just need to study a bit and the day will be all good. :D

Currently Listening To: Brick By Boring Brick - Paramore

I Should Say Something

but i keep postponing it. i don't know why also.


honestly, Laurz was totally right. Malaysia TOTALLY has that "emo air".

i mean, here, i can be emo, for some stupid small thing. and the next few hours everything will be good and perfect again.

i feel retarded a bit. like some schizophrenic. like looking at my previous posts, with all the emo and all, then sudd like happy. it's like some instant change! it's hillarious la actually.

i mean, it's not like the emo posts don't mean anything. they do. it's just that, with all the things i'm doing here and the fun i'm having, it doesn't matter!

and that's gr8! i mean, who wants to be emo! hahaha.

well, it's been a real awesome as weekend. class days weren't gr8. but the weekend was just just awesome as.

learnt a lot on Friday. just cuz there's a ring doesn't mean things can't happen. and doesn't mean he has to know. haha. plus! stock up on black ice! bloody 56 bucks in one night. too high of a tolerance. and it wasn't actually the girl, it's just noone actually did it the same way. and ppl really don't recognize me with my haircut! it feels like my anonymity has been restored a bit. haha! but they'll soon place the face. haha.

Sat was sleep in. go out. unexpected hanging out. and then unexpected futsal. and then unexpected dinner. lol. cekap la. haha.

Sunday was was chillax day. tho had to wake up early. nvr liked that. but it was good. i really should learn to play guitar properly la. instead of just faking it. faking it isn't the best i can give. so i should be better. hmmm. then CNY open house. lost at poker AGAIN. kinda pathetic. i can never win. sad la. ish. babi. then came back. and lepaked. still gotta work out that last lvl of l4d2. so close. yet so far. then Tokyo Drift. i'm pretty convinced i'm gonna teach myself to drift. haha.




AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HAPPY.

:)


now just gotta study hard and my year will be settled. :) prob shud delete COD4 huh?



oh and i'm thinking of deleting FB. less time wasted on comp. and more time on ppl. :)


WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

life is good. though studies are tough.

but life is good. :)

i shall end with this song. SG has pretty good taste.

You Ruined This

you're not, you're not.
i don't think you're coming clean.
i won't, i won't, i won't let you lie to me.
never felt so alone.
it's funny how things go.
guess we'll never know.

i took you back tonight,
hoping that you weren't the same.
this won't ever be alright,
can't believe a word that you say
i give you tonight.

don't tell me you ruined this, 'cause you're scared.
now i know that you're foolish,
for every minute you wasted,
i will tear all apart what is left of this
'cause baby, you ruined this.

so stop and think, will you ever be happy?
no, you won't. there is just no fool in me.
never felt so alone, it's funny how things go.
guess we'll never know.

i took you back tonight,
hoping you weren't the same.
this won't ever be alright.
can't believe a word you say.
i give you tonight.

don't tell me that you ruined this, 'cause you're scared.
now i know that you're foolish
for every minute that you wasted.
i will tear apart what is left of this.
'cause baby you ruined this.

and i took you back tonight,
but this won't ever be right.
i took you back tonight (i took you back tonight [x2])

don't tell me that you ruined this, 'cause you're scared.
not i know that you're foolish.
for every minute you wasted.
i will tear this apart what is left of this.
'cause baby you ruined this.

'cause baby i ruined it from the sin of your kiss.
i'm so foolish for all the years we wasted.
you can stare in the dark,
and there's nothing there.
'cause baby you ruined this, baby you ruined this.

The Audition

Currently Listening To: You Ruined This - The Audition

Starting Now

I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think of you

So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you

But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -

Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you.

But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise -

Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

It's my world, it's not ours anymore
It's my world, it's not ours anymore

Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

Ingrid Michaelson

Currently Listening To: Starting Now - Ingrid Michaelson

Forever And Almost Always

So the story goes on down a less traveled road.
It's a variation on the one I was old,
And although it's not the same, It's awful close
In an ordinary fairy tale land,
There's a promise of a perfect happy end.
And I imagine having just short of that,
Is better than nothing

So you'll be my Forever and Almost Always,
And I'll be fine, just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently, I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that, you still care

In the corner of my mind, I know too well,
Oh that surely even I, deserve the best
But instead of leaving, I just put the issue to bed,
And out of my head,
Oh and just when I believe, you've changed for good.
Well you go and prove me wrong just like I knew you would
When I've run out of second chances, you give me that look,
And you're off the hook,

Because you're my Forever and Almost Always,
And I'll be fine, just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently, I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that, you still care


What am I still doing here?
It's all becoming so clear.


You'll be my Forever and Almost Always,
It ain't right to just love me when you can
I won't wait patiently, or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care
Forever and Almost Always,
No it ain't right to just love me when you can, baby
Ain't gonna wait patiently, I won't wake up everyday just hoping that you still care.

Kate Voegele

Currently Listening To: Forever and Almost Always - Kate Voegele

NZ feels like medication

things are good.

if not gr8.

well, things seem to be going well.

room is cool. i love it actually. bigger and seems like got more space. flatmates don't seem too tidy tho. but yeah.

comp is awesome.

friends are cool.

events are happening already. 3 things on friday! jam packed. :D


ppl seem to love my smile. it makes ppl's day apparently :) and i love smiling too. so it works out gr8. :)

plus i realise, being polite and nice = all good for me. :)


i'm motivated to wanna study hard this year. i guess failing took a huge blow last year. i dont' wanna repeat the same mistakes. i can't. i won't let myself. i have to be disciplined.


i'm in a good great mood currently. i hope it stays this way. :)



HAPPY! :)

Currently Listening To: In the Sun - Joseph Arthur

What She Did For Him Fueled My Disappointment

so maybe she was a little tipsy. and it didn't really mean that much then.

but what i was amazed by was, when she found out that her bf probably wouldn't like it that she was drinking. PROBABLY.

she freaked out. cuz she didn't want to do anything to make him sad/angry. she immediately let him know abt what happened and apologized. and this also with a probability only that he'll not be okay with it.

then she said she'll nvr want to drink again. and she'll want to find out everything he doesn't like and not do it.

that's how much she wanted him.

and that's why i admire it so much. she wants him so much she'll do pretty much anything to make him not be sad. and then there's also the fact that before he found out, she told him.

this is why she's awesome. and all this done on PROBABLY. smth that hasn't been sure yet.




and that's why i feel extremely disappointed abt what has happened to me.

after trying so hard. and trying to ignore the hurt and all other feelings brought by this, i still can barely get anything like that.

there is no want. none at all. or at least, it feels like just words from ur side.

and then i realised, i guess i'm just that not worth it.

no matter how perfect i try to make myself to be, i shall nvr be worth it enough.

why? i just don't get it.


haih. not worth it. smth i'll have to deal with i guess.

so really, i guess now i have something to be depressed abt.



why couldn't i just be worth it?


my life sucks.

Currently Watching: Lost - Season 6 Episode 4

At The Bottom Of Everything

well, i don't know how One Tree Hill has such perfect timing. amazing.

Owen:
You know he's not gone yet. Mouth. You shouldn't give up on him. and you can't wait around for him to forgive you. Look i understand, as an addict I've ruined a lot of important relationships in my life. That's why if he's important to you, you gotta at least try to get him back.

Milicent:
I don't know how to get him back.

Owen:
Just remind him of the girl he fell in love with. Show him you're still that girl. Or you're working hard to try to find him. You do that, I guarantee you he'll look at you the way he used to.

Brooke:
Sometimes our relationship seems so simple and easy…but no matter what, it just turns into a big mess. And there are days when I would like to dive into that mess. But then other days, i can't help but wonder, maybe we're just two people who just don't work as a couple.

Haley:
But you love him right?

Brooke:
Like you don't even know.

Haley:
Then don't wait. Life's too short to play games. If you love somebody, and you wanna be with them, then go get them. Deal with the mess later. You don't know what tomorrow will bring.

i get what they're saying.

now i don't understand why don't you?

hmmm.

Currently Listening To: In This Diary - The Ataris

Work Is Fun

anyday la i'd rather be working than studying.

k so for those of you who don't already know, for the past 3 weeks, i've been working at Rock Corner at MidV.

and i tell you, it was a pretty awesome experience. the ppl working there are like soooo knowledgable abt music stuff man.

plus, they know like most of the stuff in the store. it's like u could walk in, say a artist name, and they remember if the store has it or not. that i found cool considering there were tons of cds in the shop. plus if ppl ask them to recommend stuff, music la, they could do it. these ppl seriously know TONS abt music yo.

plus they're like friendly and all. i really felt like it was gr8 working there. i mean, despite the working hours and stuff, which like made it quite tiring, it was fun. it was actually fun to come to work. we can laugh, chill, and share knowledge. yeah i learnt stuff abt music and other stuff there.

so what did i do in my job? basically, i was a sales assistant. i worked upstairs in the movies section. which was pretty cool. i managed to remember all the english movies we had. anyway, so when ppl come upstairs, i ask them whether they need help finding anything, and if they do, i try to help them.

of course, i have to keep an eye on them also la. so they don't steal anything or what not. which makes it REALLY pissing off when u have ppl, who have nowhere else in the malls to go so they come and waste time there. cuz i have to walk around and "jaga" them.

yeah i guess i'm picky as to who i serve. trust me, once u start working as a sales assistant, u feel good managing to help a customer get what they came in looking for. so these time wasters piss me off.

but other than weird ppl and annoying ppl, my job is pretty sweet. :) when there's noone around, or actually, whenever, i get to choose from whatever movie they have there, and watch! :) so i just sit and watch movie most of the time. haha. plus i get to text text text text. hahaha.

honestly, the last i checked, i sent abt 100++ msges a day to my sms buddy Yumey. who kept me entertained throughout my work period. i tell you, if it wasn't for her, i'd die of boredom. so ya, thx Yumey! for listening to me talk crap, whine abt hot chicks, and being hungry and complain abt the weird ppl and all. i know u had fun reading my msges. so prob u shud thank me! haha! :P

anyway, upstairs was the Axcess ticket counter guy. whom pretty much was there most of the time for me to chat to. and wah we talked a lot wei. he has a lot to say and i don't mind listening cuz it's interesting stuff. learnt a lot also from him. another fun guy also.


SO YA! working at Rock Corner MidV was FUN! tiring no doubt at all. but FUN. and considering i really had nth to do at home, and i could still get my shopping done, it turned out to be a pretty awesome deal working there.

such an amazing experience. :) there's so much to it la. oh did i mention Ean from Hitz.fm came to the shop also? pretty cool seeing a "celeb" just walk in and he knows my boss and all. my boss also is cool la. also, i love the way after some perasan case customer goes out of the store, we'll just sit and laugh at the fella. trying to act big. so ya, don't go in and try to act big, we'll laugh at you. :)


k i've been talking too much. it's nice to have a happy post after a while. just gotta dump all my emoness somewhere and not think of it! :)


oh oh. and thx to all the ppl who came to visit while i was working there. u made my life less boring. :D thx!

and after only sleeping for 4 hours last night, i think i should sleep now. :)

gnite!

Currently Listening To: Kokomo - The Beach Boys

Everything You Want

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

[Chorus]

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

Vertical Horizon

Currently Listening To: Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon

GG.com La OTH

Julian: Hey Brooke, this isn't going to be easy is it? You and I being friends.

Brooke: No. But it's better than not being friends at all.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY LA. GG.


WHY AH WHY AH WHY AH?

WHAT THE CRAP LA.

Currently Watching: One Tree Hill Season 7 Episode 15

It Was A Bad Day That Turned Out Good

started out bad. emoing the whole morning. thinkin abt how could this person do such a thing. then expect me to act such a way. and what does everything that's happening mean.


then thankfully, i had Yumey to cheer me up and not think about it. thx Yumey. :) even though she doesn't know my story, she still boleh help. that's why she's awesome. :)


then at night met up with schoolmates. that also was an awesome to catch up with everyone and see everyone. it's pretty cool how i can totally see all of them being really succesful in the things they are doing. these ppl really know their stuff well. i know that they will be able to do it. and Keane also gave me a lot of good advice. it's really comforting and reassuring knowing there's a friend who understands my emo situation. and can give good advice which i can follow. thx a lot Keane. what you said makes sense and really helped. i shall try my best to follow your advice.


turned out good in the end. i'm happy. even if you make me sad. today i ended up happy. :)


and here's smth i thought of on the way.

"Having your boyfriend/girlfriend/person you like tell you: "oh i wanted you to know that this person *insertnamehere* asked me out/hinted me to ask them out/was hitting on me, but i told them no. Cuz i have you. :)" is definitely one of the most reassuring feelings you can ever get.


and it makes you feel like you're actually worth smth. :)

Currently Listening To: Dirty Little Heart - Lostprophets

Don't Come In

Don't come in if all ou want is comfort for the short period of time ure here.

Don't come in if you plan on just wasting my time.

U know that i will definitely serve you.

I'd like to think i have better things i could be doing.



yeah i'm irritated.

Currently Listening To: They Don't Care About Us - Michael Jackson

I Iz Depressedz

i suck la.

maybe cuz i damn bodoh.

i think i also placed hope on the stupid 3 things. like i thought i could get it. i mean, that's why i din tell right in the first place, cuz i knew i couldn't get it. so why did i place hope?

maybe cuz of hope of what might happen?

haih. hope too much la u. patutla bodoh. ish.


i hate being here. i hate having these thoughts. emo. it's like i tried so hard for nothing. trying to put aside all that happen tho i didn't have to and i should be mad and angry. but for nothing i guess.

so i guess maybe i'll just have to wake up every morning regretting the past. wishing i could take it all back.

i feel so used and useless. like i wasn't ever worth it. it was always just talk.

why do i believe words that never seem to carry out? am that stupid? am i just easy manipulated to give ppl stuff that want? and get used?

haih.


i wanna be happy. and i want someone who really wants to make me happy.

I only want what i can't have

From Now We Are Enemies
Fall Out Boy

Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

Sugar We're Going Down
Fall Out Boy

Currently Listening To: From Now On We Are Enemies - Fall Out Boy

I Followed The Rope Tied To My Ankle. It Led Back To You

i don't get it.

i mean, if you don't want something, you don't do anything to get it right?

it's like, trying to buy Windows 7 and trying to install it on some '03 comp. it's never gonna work.

it's just not compatible that way.


well to me, it just seems like it won't work. why are you so convinced that somehow it can?

the compatibility just doesn't look like it'll work.

i don't know if i can be happy.

and then there's that classic line: "it's not you, it's me"

well doesn't it fit?

i mean, i can't deal with whatever has happened. why do you seem to insist that i will be able to? even i dunno myself that well. whether i'll be able to.

so seriously, it's not you, it's me.

i'm not perfect that way.


but it always makes me wonder as well, what if we were in each others shoes? i guess i know i'd prob be feeling that way the way u do. so i guess i do understand how it is for you. but do you know how it would be for me?

but then again, diff personalities and priorities. maybe some feelings will be more important than others. maybe certain aspects in life are not placed with the appropriate reverence. so the state i'm in may not be understood.

i know i'm not ur everyday type of guy. i'm a weirdo. with weird ways of living my life. i don't fit in with how the world is today. i'm too old fashioned. there's so many things that'll make u suffer if you want this.

so maybe you should decide what is it that you want.

i'm done.

today was a tiring day.

The Offspring - Can't Get My Head (Around You). Kinda had appropriate lyrics.

Currently Listening To: Meet Me On The Equinox - Death Cab For Cutie

How Do I Say What I Need To Say?

i think one of the most annoying things i face is to keep all my thoughts and words in.

there's just so much to say. but it doesn't want to be heard. it's not supposed to be heard i guess.

so that's 2 emails sent into drafts never to come out.


and the thoughts in my head? the words i wanna say? i guess it'll remain there.

i'll have to live with the fact i'll never be able to let my thoughts known. it's not appreciated around here.

haih.



i wanna be happy too.

why couldn't i have it?


Currently Listening To: You Know How I Do - Taking Back Sunday

Not Good End

after having such an awesome, happyfying and relaxing and awesome.

not i find out that my hols don't match up so i can come back and see Jo.

:( not cool yo. not cool.


haih.



but still! Rock Corner, buying my first pair of jeans myself (after we spent hours looking for stuff and not finding size, getting one pair, was pretty happyfying) and the smart tag, and then the party.

wah. it was good. :)

and ok fine. the positive side, i'll def force myself and make it important priority to go US now.

Currently Watching: Chuck Season 3 Episode 4

What The Crap With The Accuracy La One Tree Hill!

"Brooke: I don't want to fight, i just wanted to talk.

Julian: Yet here we are fighting. Now, I'm getting really tired of fighting.

.....


Julian: I'm the guy you can't trust no matter how much I tell you to. and that's your issue Brooke. I'm never gonna be able to make that stop for you.

Brooke: So what are you saying?

Julian: I'm saying maybe right now you need to work on you and I need to work on me."


how how how? how can this show be so tepat to me? am i just seeing things? of all the times and days la. this is just crazy.


Currently Watching: One Tree Hill - Season 7 Episode 13

The Picture Says How I Feel

"It kills me not to know this"
Savior - Rise Against

"I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere"
Weightless - All Time Low

"It's disgusting how little that you try"
Do Better - Say Anything

"I'm being held captive, something's got a hold of me"
The Running Man - The Audition

"Getting worse til there's nothing left"
From Now On We Are Enemies - Fall Out Boy

it sucks that i still have so much to say but you wouldn't want to listen.

and after all this, i know you will still walk away fine.

i wish i was good enough to be talked to.

as if i wasn't insecure enough.

well at least you got what you worked hard for.

Currently Playing: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Do Better

Life is not a spark in space
an episode of will and grace
controversial yet mundane
deborahs messing with your brain
even scientologists know theres more to all of this
search the ruins for trapped doors, wonder what you're put here for
simple as a hint of gas climbing nostrils as you pass
making harvards graduates feel childish when they laugh at it
climb the rungs to kingdom come, sour patch to acid tongue
are you opposed to having fun? you clentch the world between your buns

you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world.

your life is always the post of something else.. where is the present in the way that you present yourself? and it's disgusting how little that you try, the existential equivalence of pink eye.
drink alone and watch tv youre expecting harmony,
statap your tune with silver spoons, and the loving pending doom.
guiding satans steady hand, forcing beatles to dispand.
it's ego freaks and drama queens, the young at heart know what I mean

you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world.
you could do better, better than that you're a fraud.
thank god you learned to keep your shirt on.
you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world.

you burn so brightly, you burn so brightly in the dark
you burn so brightly, you burn so, you burn so.

you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world
you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world
you could do better, better than that you're a fraud.
thank god you learned to keep your shirt on
you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world.
you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world
we could do better, we could do better, we could be the greatest band in the world.

Say Anything

Currently Listening To: Do Better - Say Anything

It's Like Flogging A Dead Horse

tell me i'm wrong with what i'm feeling.




i realise, it's really tought to write an email in parts. esp when it's long. cuz when you come back, you don't really remember what you've written at the start.




Currently Listening To: A Lifeless Ordinary - Motion City Soundtrack

You Know How I Do

So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
We're both such magnifacent liars.
So crush me baby, I'm all ears.
So obviously desperate, so desperatly obvious.
I'll give in one more time and feed you stupid lines all about "cleaning up my act..."

We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.

So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
Willing and ready to prove the worst of everything you said about.
So obviously desperate, so desperatly obvious.
So good at setting bad examples.
Listen, chic, I've had all I can handle.

We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.

Think of all the fun you had.
The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.
Think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and......"I can barely smile"

Think of all the fun you had.
The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.
Think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and......"I can barely smile"

Let's go...
He's smoked out in the back of the van, says he's held up with holding on and on and on.
He's smoked out in the back of the van, says he's held up with holding on and on and on.

Taking Back Sunday

Currently Playing: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Funny, But Yet There's Something Too

this is pretty funny. :)




ah one tree hill. you are awesome.


and you help me know i'm not alone. :)

Currently Watching: Dexter Season 4 Episode 4

That Night 2 Years + Ago

i dunno why i sudd thought abt it.

that night was awesome.

i would say life changing in a way.



from doing new stuff i should be doing to meeting people i will never forget.


secrets made that only that section of the club would know about. it's a good thing they probably don't remember. ;P

and another secret whom only one other person i believe knows. and she wasn't even there. interesting how ppl can learn abt others through the internet.


tho of course the morning afternoon after i freaked out abt the taste that was in my mouth, i got used to it. and everything was fine.

then i got in contact with ppl by ways i said i'll never do. for reasons, well the reasons made sense.


ah. how i miss that night. what a gr8 night.

Currently Playing: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Apparently My Posts Ain't Cryptic Enough

Here's what it feels like; We're both walking down this road in the jungle. And then we take a stop, cause i'm not sure if i wanna go on. So, we stop and make camp. The problem now i see, is when do we stop camping there and move on? it's like a stick in the mud. not moving anywhere.





k that failed. it's damn obvious. whatever. at least you know how i'm feeling.

i wish i knew you. i wish i don't have to have this feeling like you're hiding something. it makes it so hard to trust.

bzzzz. 3 things.but if only i can get over ending up like everyone else. basically, a noone. that freaking notch. i guess in some way this falls under the 3 things? hmmm.


why can't i tell you this in person??

maybe i'm afraid to see your reaction. like it won't be what i hope for.



hmm i'm quite a coward.




anyway, i dunno why i feel happy. i can't remember now. i think the FB ppl are making me happy.

OH YEAH. now i remember.

i'm going on to the next year. :)

i feel so relieved. :)

i'm making sure i never fucking fail again.


things have to change. can i do it?

Currently Watching: Fringe Season 2 Episode 2

I Think Somehow, I'm Pretty Easy

3 things. and i'm sold.

but 3 things i won't get.




and today just proved that it doesn't pay to be nice. or good at all.

it's unfair. it's so unfair. that bad things happen to good ppl.

and screw ups get away with things.




and now from stepping closer and looking for the path in the dark, it seems like all source of light has disappeared. this is when people say you should turn around and head back to the start of the road. and maybe try another one.

Currently Listening To: Disappear - Motion City Soundtrack

Throw In The Towel Time?

just maybe.


cuz it's hard to talk to someone who won't talk.

i can't survive not knowing what's going on in your head.

it's like there's so many secrets. esp when you don't share.

maybe you don't dare. but then again, maybe u've never dared.

i don't know what i'm doing here. it's like i'll never get what i want and hope for.

so maybe instead of stepping further and causing both sides to hurt, it's time to leave?




thoughts thoughts. i've got so much to say. but i don't wanna waste them on deaf ears or stubborn hearts.


what's the point of all the words if nothing is done?


Currently Listening To: Tangled Up in Me - Skye Sweetnam

Just Some Pictures. To Attempt To Brighten Up The Mood. But Didn't Work

photos! enjoy!

^ kaikoura. ppl seem to like this a lot.

^ queenstown. summer.

^ queenstown. winter.

^ wheee. fun times! :D


^ proof that yumey is made out of awesomeness. :)

^ bomb the lamb. :D

^ new comp. the neatness that comes with this thing is awesome. and yes the thing around the monitor is the speakers. "surround" sound. lol.


lol k that's it.

now back to the usual emoing. :)


i need more reason to believe, not think.



k that's all i got for tonight. :)

Currently Listening To: Do Better - Say Anything

I Have A Problem Being Another Notch In Your Bedpost And Wondering About The Other Notches You Never Talk About

i'm starting to believe,


i won't be able to let go.




Currently Listening To: Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot

I Don't Know

i don't what you want

or what exactly ure doing.

i don't know what i'm doing.

what i'm feeling.

everything is just. messed up. and i'm confused. like totally.

i have this urge to send another email.

but maybe i'm rushing it? i know i shouldn't. but it's like, i need to know if it's going somewhere. or what is it you want from this? is it the same thing i want? or is it just a game?



another email i guess. but i guess it'll have to wait.

Currently Listening To: Holiday - Green Day

Heart So Heavy

like each step adds more weight to my heart


like i'm not supposed to.


like i'm just bound to get hurt.

for the things i don't know.


like i will never obtain the trust i need.



too many things going on in my mind.

and all coming out to ppl who are not the ones who NEED to know.


i guess i'm testing sincerity. and trust of course. which is why even if i know i won't tell. i'll wait to be told. so i know whether i can trust.



but yeah. seems like i won't get the trust i need.


i guess this blog is a window to my mind.

so i guess you do know what's going on in my mind.

Currently Watching: Dexter Season 2 Episode 5

Conned?

it feels like i'm being conned. i dunno why.

it's like i'm getting into something, but not knowing the whole story.

like u know buying a cheap phone, but the guy doesn't tell you it doesn't come with certain things it should come with. or he says it's better than it really is.


yeah. i have trust issues. possibly why i feel the need to want to know everything. or be in control of what ppl know abt me.


worst is, i dunno whats the point of saying all this knowing no action will be taken. guess i just need to let things out.



i hope i'm not being conned.



so pls don't lie to me or tell me half truths or avoid all together.


thx.


Currently Watching: Scrubs Season 9 Episode 6

Cuz I'm Learning To Breathe

i don't know what this song had relevance to. but i tot i'll post it up.

Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I'm Yours
This is the way
This is the way

Switchfoot

well first things first, the New Year is here. i hope so much it'll be better than last year. til the end of the year things weren't that gr8. but first day of the year, today was good. i hope that this year will be gr8.

my head is a total mess now. it's frustrating. should i listen to my instinct? it's been pretty right so far. and where i'm standing, i know i should stay back. aih. i dunno what i'm doing. i'm setting the standard very low as of now. but will i be happy with what i decide to accept? will i be okay not knowing the past? can i survive? or will i have to know to give me the peace of mind? should i trust? we'll see.


i'm becoming emo again. this sucks.


what a perfect song to play now. perfect lyrics.

gnite.

Currently Listening To: Masochist - Ingrid Michaelson

Words By Clay

Sometime I think we waste our words and we waste our moments,
and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have
the chance.

Clay Evans

so what i was thinking for this moment.

Currently Watching: One Tree Hill 712

You Keep Things To Yourself, While I Let Them Out

the one thing i realise.

and the more you keep your thoughts in. the way you feel in and basically everything that needs to be let out in. the more you suffer.

esp from the ppl you love.

you'll never get what you want.

cuz nobody knows whats going on in your head.


Currently Watching: One Tree Hill 711

Maybe I Want It To Be This Way

so yeah. i failed one subject last sem.

i think it may be my first fail. cant remember.

i hate it. i regret not studying as hard as the others did. i hate the way i've said that i regretted before and now this happen. the comp really is bad news for me. i just have to change for next year. i can't let this go on.

but in so many ways, i'm glad this happen. cuz i got what i deserve.

i mean, i cant keep studying the bare minimum and hoping it turns out. i shouldn't let myself fall into that sort of mindset. i guess in some way, my friends who called me "genius" and "smart" actually got to my head. even when i know it's not exactly true. i guess my head got too big (which is prob why i can't handle compliments). i needed to be humbled like this.

so now it's done. it happened. i failed.

all i can do now, is change it. i can't let it happen again. i gotta push hard. have to figure a deal of what to do with my comp.

haih.


*******************************

i totally enjoyed yesterday. a lot. that is exactly my idea of a "hang out". all we did was just eat, sit, chat and walk around. for 9 hours i did that.

hanging out yest reminded me why i love being home. cuz my friends are awesome. they really really are great. i had so much fun yest. so much. and i felt so belonged. it was just awesome la. thx so much Becks, Su Teng and Ruth. and so sorry i came late Becks. that's another thing i should change, being on time. but i still had one of the most fun days ever. even if the food was drugged and made us sleepy. ;P

It was really a great day.







but why couldn't it end like that?


so i got my phone stolen. it's still shocking. cuz i never felt anything. til now i can't believe it. it's like some magic trick. it just disappeared from my wallet and i din know. this sucks. i hate KTMs now. and i hate loser ppl who steal. haih.

but it could have been way worse. my camera and my wallet was in my pocket too. but nth happened. i was way lucky.

and it's like evrything that could go wrong went wrong. i'm usually a careful person. but that time, i wasn't really paying attention cuz i was chatting with a friend. then my pants had loose pockets. plus they were so full cuz they're small. so my phone was prob sitting on top of my wallet. clearly why i din feel it go away. my hands which are normally at my pockets, were holding stuff. so nothing to guard my pockets. so everything went wrong. all at the same time. and now poof! i lost my phone.

this sucks. i tot i would be the last person this would happen to cuz i reckon i'm pretty careful. it's still just unbelievable to me.






haiihh. 2009 is just a totally sucky year. totally. started off this year by hurting ppl and screwing up bad. i lost my necklace. the whole friend issue thing. then my laptop broke down. then cyber games din turn out. then i fail. now i lose my phone. and i'm becoming emo again. honestly, what else can go wrong? these are just the things i can remember too.

maybe it's because i took a turn for the worse this year? maybe for what i've done, i'm being punished for it.

haih. who knows.


2009 sucks.

Currently Listening To: All The Right Moves - OneRepublic

I Am So Pampered

i realized how pampered i am in NZ

NZ i use a Quad core CPU. back home, it's a Pentium 4. WHICH IS FREAKING SLOW.

NZ, i have a 22" Flat Screen monitor. back home, it's some small square 17" CRT monitor. which i find really small

NZ, the internet is freaking fast. back home, it's not. at all. like can die speeds.

NZ, it's cold! and nice! back home, it's freaking hot and humid that i will die soon.



ok so fine. i guess i'm pampered in the tech department in NZ.

but back home, i'm actually a pampered kid i guess. so i cant complain. :P

Currently Listening To: Nothing! i really doubt this slow comp is capable of playing songs.

I Guess You Could Say

I'm checking into rehab. :)

Currently Watching: Dexter - Season 1 Episode 10 (Seeing Red)