Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Where Is All This Going

i know. i'm not supposed to blog abt emo stuffs. but yeah.

things just seem really sucky now. i've lost all interest in studying.

i literally just feel like i can't study.

and it's not like i can take a break either. classes just keep going. assignments come pouring in. haih.

worst is, i suck so much at my studies, i don't even know i can do my assignment. as much as i want to. i know i'm going to screw up cuz i don't know how. and i know if i ask my friends, i'm pretty much gonna be asking everything, so i'd rather not annoy them.

i wish i could be like my other friends. who can actually study. i don't know why i just absolutely have no mood. none at all. i know i should. but it's like my mind wanders off places so i can't concentrate.

and it's hard, cuz i really need to understand stuff to get it. my friends just manage to memorize and they get it. it sucks.

maybe it's just been that subject which i haven't done well from the start. and last year i made things worse. and this year, even if i want to try, my basics is flawed. so i mess up even the simple stuff.

my math also screwed up. in class now they talk abt math stuff, and i don't remember them. and they don't really explain what's going on the math side. we're just supposed to remember i guess. but i don't. my memory is just that bad i guess.

i guess it's demotivating. seeing my friends answer with a breeze the easy stuff and i still just screw up. why don't i have their motivation to study? why does everything else in the world seem more interesting than studying?

maybe it's my social life which screwed me up. maybe i've got too many emo things to think abt? it's bugging me. i don't understand it. "it's not fair".

for sure i know that it's cuz of my 2nd year that i'm suffering now. i wish i could i repeat it in some way. make sure i learn everything properly this time. but i doubt JPA would look kindly on it. plus the social impacts of one repeating 2nd year seems like it'll be harsh. everyone will be like "look at that kid, didn't study enough so can't make it to 3rd year. he deserved it." well, without a doubt i deserve it, but somehow the thought of it just seems embarrassing to go through.

why oh why didn't i put enough effort last year instead of just trying to scrape through? haih.

what if this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing? what if Mech Eng is not for me? hmmm. it's weird, cuz only after 2 years, now i'm thinking of it. this whole time, i was sure. "This is what i wanna do." and now i can barely keep up. in fact, i'm not even keeping up. it sucks. but what sucks even more is, if this isn't what i was meant to do, then what is? my whole life has been built around this. and if that was wrong, then i've been wasting my life?

maybe i'm not smart enough. maybe i just got dumb and now i don't get easy things. but i don't think so. i know that if i study hard enough, i can do it. but how do i study if i don't have the motivation to.

and how do i study level 2 stuff when my level 1 stuff is bad? i want time to fix this. but time just keeps on moving.


i can fix this. i hope i can. but i need time and motivation. i believe i can get the time. but how do i get the motivation when it seems like i've lost all hope? when i think to myself "what's the point of going over today's lecture, you're not gonna get it"

it sucks cuz i know this is important. even if i don't want it to be. and i can't just brush it off. it's affecting me a lot. it's getting to a point that it may just be depressing. haih.

haih. times like these, i so wish for a time machine.

Currently Listening To: Save Me (Wakeup Call) - Unwritten Law

13 comments:

glo said...

things just seem really sucky now. i've lost all interest in studying. i literally just feel like i can't study.
that's exactly how i've been feeling for months.

glo said...

worst is, i suck so much at my studies, i don't even know i can do my assignment. as much as i want to. i know i'm going to screw up cuz i don't know how. and i know if i ask my friends, i'm pretty much gonna be asking everything, so i'd rather not annoy them.
sometimes we just have to be thick-skinned. but do try put in as much reading and effort as you can before asking maybe? though this is bad - i once had to literally copy my friend's assignment actually "-_- only for the exams i managed to understand what's going on. ahem.

glo said...

i wish i could be like my other friends. who can actually study. i don't know why i just absolutely have no mood. none at all. i know i should. but it's like my mind wanders off places so i can't concentrate.
i find taking away the laptop helps me a lot. i wrote down an analysis of my study habits and one of it is that i take a long time to get warmed up. so maybe you can try something similar? as in, reflect on your study habits and see where you think you can work on and make a change? don't let the guilt trip take over, else it will be a viscious cycle, i.e.
no mood to study -> procastinate -> guilty -> feel as if can't even finish -> procastinate more -> work pile up ->..... unending cycle.

and it's hard, cuz i really need to understand stuff to get it. my friends just manage to memorize and they get it. it sucks.
understanding still beats memorizing. i understood and i get good marks. i memorized and i got C+.

glo said...

maybe it's just been that subject which i haven't done well from the start. and last year i made things worse. and this year, even if i want to try, my basics is flawed. so i mess up even the simple stuff.
there's still time.

my math also screwed up. in class now they talk abt math stuff, and i don't remember them. and they don't really explain what's going on the math side. we're just supposed to remember i guess. but i don't. my memory is just that bad i guess.
no. don't ever memorize maths. maybe try drawing diagrams to see how the concepts link to each other. maths need time.

i guess it's demotivating. seeing my friends answer with a breeze the easy stuff and i still just screw up. why don't i have their motivation to study? why does everything else in the world seem more interesting than studying?
sigh ya. but we just gotta deal with it. k?

glo said...

maybe it's my social life which screwed me up. maybe i've got too many emo things to think abt? it's bugging me. i don't understand it. "it's not fair".
life's not fair. we gotta get used to it. but we also need to do what needs to be done. we can't always live according to how we want to live :)

for sure i know that it's cuz of my 2nd year that i'm suffering now. i wish i could i repeat it in some way. make sure i learn everything properly this time.
if i could turn back time i would do this for my undergrad now. but no use regretting now. that's why make use of the time you have now.

plus the social impacts of one repeating 2nd year seems like it'll be harsh. everyone will be like "look at that kid, didn't study enough so can't make it to 3rd year. he deserved it." well, without a doubt i deserve it, but somehow the thought of it just seems embarrassing to go through.
at least i won't! because you knew where you have gone wrong and want to make right, and i have more respect for people who want to make right!! why care what others think about you?!

glo said...

why oh why didn't i put enough effort last year instead of just trying to scrape through? haih.
instead of regretting now, why not move on and do something this year to rectify it? even if you don't feel like, even if you don't have that mood, push, keep pushing yourself. we have no choice.

what if this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing? what if Mech Eng is not for me? hmmm. it's weird, cuz only after 2 years, now i'm thinking of it. this whole time, i was sure. "This is what i wanna do." and now i can barely keep up. in fact, i'm not even keeping up. it sucks. but what sucks even more is, if this isn't what i was meant to do, then what is? my whole life has been built around this. and if that was wrong, then i've been wasting my life?
these kind of thoughts will definitely come during your course of studies. and it should come. because it challenges you to think broader. but now, you're already in it. and 1.5 more years to go. It's good to put some thought into it - but don't dwell on it. press on for this 1.5 more years, you will have a better direction. and during your last year, things will be more enlightening. at least with a final project - i see most people more motivated during their final year. so do have hope. things are not as bad.

glo said...

maybe i'm not smart enough. maybe i just got dumb and now i don't get easy things. but i don't think so. i know that if i study hard enough, i can do it. but how do i study if i don't have the motivation to.
stop telling yourself that you don't feel like studying and start studying. coz you know you can do it.

and how do i study level 2 stuff when my level 1 stuff is bad? i want time to fix this. but time just keeps on moving.
what distracts you? what eats up your time? :)

i can fix this. i hope i can. but i need time and motivation. i believe i can get the time. but how do i get the motivation when it seems like i've lost all hope? when i think to myself "what's the point of going over today's lecture, you're not gonna get it"
i think that all the time. but really, but i found out that actually things aint that bad. i once skipped my lectures for one term coz i didn't understand what's going on. i used to go to classes to just copy notes and not understanding anything. then i spent one whole week reading through a semester's worth of notes and finally understood what's going on. ya it's demotivating when going to class and not understanding - but give yourself a chance - you can do it - k?

glo said...

it sucks cuz i know this is important. even if i don't want it to be. and i can't just brush it off. it's affecting me a lot. it's getting to a point that it may just be depressing. haih.
it's good that you are ranting this out.

haih. times like these, i so wish for a time machine.
me too!

let's press on together k Ben? i really am hating my studies now but i have no choice but to keep moving on and on and on. i spent 3 weeks doing nothing productive, in all honesty, and it sucks big time coz i need to catch up big time. but the first thing that i needed to do is an attitude change.

you are not alone. most of us are in the same boat as you.

sorry for being so long-winded and influx of comments. i had to break it up as blogger doesn't allow long long comments. hope some stuff helped. sorry i couldn't be bothered being too PC. just said whatever i felt i needed to say. sorry if i sounded stern or bossy.

take care. we care for you.

love,
glo.

Ben J said...

thanks Glo. yeah i'll def will still be trying. and thanks again. you helped. :)

weiwen said...

Oi, Common room study area. this weekend. I have to study too.

Smith said...

i know how u feel ben, difference is these thots go on in my head the night b4 the test, then i do badly n start again. But at least it seems like ur thinking of this a while before the exams. thats good, u have time to fix it.
Yeah, go over examples, that seems to help a lot more than reading material.

Sanjit said...

Ben, at some point in time I'm sure everyone has felt the way you feel. I had my doubts too when I started. Maybe the passion you had for Mech. Eng has turned from a flame into an ember. You gotta find that spark to get it into a roaring fire again. I have no doubt you'll find it alright. And if you think this isn't your calling, you can always switch. Better to love your job then to be miserable. I hope you regain ur motivation man. All the best.

Ka-Mun said...

I felt the the same all the way up to beginning of 3rd pro. The rule is simple, remove everything emotional that is troubling you and go to the central library every night. You will be surprised with what happens after a few months =)

Most importantly, if you give up now, you already lost if before you started anything. (Life as a UoC engineering student only starts at 3rd pro... trust me on this ;) )