I Like Not Having Internet

yes i do realise i have internet now and it's kinda contradicting my title.

but ANYWAY, it feels good.

like detox/rehab. it's good.

it's like now, i have more time to do stuff i need to do.

do not like the fact i rely on internet a lot. i realise how useless my comp is without the net. why? cuz i can't actually get distracted by it.

and the one thing i realise abt FB, it's like cocaine. the more u have it, the more addicted u can get to it.

it's like this, u post smth on FB, then someone may like/comment. then you go and see/reply. then u see smth else someone is doing on FB, then u comment/like, then they reply. then u come back and see other stuff and so on. SO, it ends up pretty hard to get off.

one thing i realise, i haven't posted anything on FB since saturday and i haven't viewed what ppl posted on my wall and what ppl commented. k fine not true. i did check. but i didn't comment or reply or whatever! so it didn't get worse. like more comments and stuff.

plus it got me thinking, we all survived b4 FB and frienster and what not. so we def can survive without it again. like, u wanna know abt ppls lives, go talk to them! stop being a stalker! lol.


anyway that's enough abt FB. there's other stuff as well. like my room is waaaaaaaayyyy cleaner. and organised. i think i'm eating better as well. work gets done. studying gets done.

k i'll say it. i like not having a comp. life seems better. i'm keeping this up til exams and after exams as well maybe.

lol. it's like i had some revelation like that. hahaha.

so why am i back online now?

i needed a break. this studying too much and working too much is crazy. esp studying and going thru notes and everything but coming up short. k coming up short is an understatement. more like being totally blur. and yes it's annoying as hell doing everything u can, and still failing. ish.

but that's besides the point. i don't wanna be emo. i'm in a damn good mood currently. and i have no idea why also. haha.

my life is weird like that. bad things happen, but there's been quite a few times i'm like damn happy. like take this year for example. i'm quite sure i've said it before, that this year is just awesome. but this year is SO SO screwed up. i dunno why life can be screwed up and awesome at the same time. life is weird.

aaaaannndddd lastly, as i'm in the middle of watching OTH right now, i just gotta say la, Brooke is HOT. :)

k there's prob way better pictures. but i like this a lot. there's just so much to the photo as well.

k i'm done. my internet break is over. i shud go off now. and sleep and go to class tmrw. oh yeah! i've been going to class also! cuz i got nth to keep me up. :)

yes. comp. is bad for me. so i'm gonna change that. rely less on comp. k go! :D

Currently Watching: One Tree Hill Season 8 Episode 4

And That's Why I Game

cuz it's relaxing.

it's the only thing i know that i do well.

and well, i like feeling good. i like the feeling knowing there's smth i'm good at.

unfortunately, the smth i'm good at in life, doesn't matter in the real world.



and why i game a lot? cuz when i game, i tend to block out everything else in my life.

like there's nth to think abt but the game.

and i think too much as it is.

and well, there's a lot of sucky things in my life to think abt.


so unbelievably, i actually need the games. to be less emo.


damn.

this is sad.

Currently Watching: Fringe Season 3 Episode 2

Damaged Goods

now i guess i know how it feels.

to know, you're damaged enough, that noone you would want would want you.

and to also know, that even if they did still want you, while knowing how damaged you are, you wouldn't let/want them to want you.

why?

cuz if their heart is good enough to look past all that damaged part of u, they definitely deserve someone much better than you.

so i guess, in no way, can i get what i want. or who i want in this case.

another reason why i don't try. i'm just full of reasons why i don't these days.

damn. i'm becoming more emo. not cool.

some part of me regrets what i've done. and the reasons why i did them.

but then there's this other part that says, hey there's no point, ure already this damaged, there's no point trying to fix it. nth will/can change. so just do what you wanna do. less things to worry abt.


it's like, you've crossed over the point of no return. so you just keep on walking til everything ends.


funny, how, the only thing that can fix this is a lack of conscience. unfortunately, i still have some left, when it comes to certain ppl.


oh well. that's my life i guess. i'll have to learn to live with this. it's my choices after all. i should learn to live with it.

Currently Watching: Fringe Season 3 Episode 2

The World Needs Strangers

weird right?

this thought came to me as i was sitting at captain ben's next to 2 strangers wondering what if i was friendly and decided to befriend them. yes. weird thoughts from an antisocial. lol.

so anyway, the world needs strangers.

why?

cuz if everyone were friends, ppl would just end up being irritated/pissed off with each other and also they won't get things done.

k this scenario came to my mind.

imagine ure in a mall. and k malls have a lot of ppl walking around in them. and now imagine if ALL of them were ur friends. you'd barely be able to walk a few steps before bumping into a friend and having a chat like how friends shud. now the chat doesnt have to be long, but i can tell you, after "bumping" into 20 ppl, you're gonna get quite irritated.

also just say u have a chat with someone, and with every person u meet. ure gonna find, u may just run outta time to do the things u need to do cuz u were catching up with ur friend.

and k fine, just say u don't have a chat. would u really wanna be walking by everyone at the mall waving hi! ten bucks says ure gonna get tired of it really fast.

so in some way, as i see it at least, the world NEEDS strangers for ppl to survive and do their everyday life things.

somehow also, i'm reminded of the Giodarno(?) shirt "World Without Strangers" and how this should never happen. (on a side note, ppl should really walk up to these ppl wearing those tshirts and start to try and be friends with them. i'm pretty sure they may just end up creeped out since prob 90% of the ppl wearing the shirt just wear it for the brand name and not cuz they believe in what the tshirt says.)

so yeah. the world needs strangers.


but, it doesn't mean u can't be nice to strangers as well. ;)

Currently Listening To: Na Na Na - My Chemical Romance

It's Like An Uncurable Disease!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

THE MOMENT I DELETE THOSE SPAM COMMENTS IN THE CHATTER BOX, NEW ONES APPEAR.

IT'S LIKE SOME HYDRA!

CUT OFF ONE HEAD, THREE MORE APPEAR.

RAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


DAMN SPAMMERS.

Currently Listening To: Toxic - A Static Lullaby

You Choose Who You Fall In Love With?

honestly, that's what i think it is.

it's like you go, "hmm k that person."

and seriously, if u really tried ur hardest, and the person did as well, i think you may just fall in love.

i'm not sure la. it just feels like it.

guys will choose the pretty girls, and the girls will choose the good looking guys. and work from there.

so technically, you could fall in love with anyone! all you had to do is try.

but the question is, is that the wrong way? like is it wrong?

it feels lame and retarded in some way. but what other way is there?

i for one, def don't believe in love at first sight. so that explains a lot of this post i guess.

maybe you fall in love for the one who cares for you a lot? and the other person cares for you cuz they're in love with you.

but, i've got quite a few friends whom i truly love and care about, but, i'm not in love with them. and i know they care for me, but def not in love with me in anyway either. so maybe not that theory?

it feels like i'm prob gonna end up one day saying to some girl, "hey, i find you attractive, and i'd like to see if i could fall in love with you, wanna go out??"

LOL.

actually. i kinda don't know what i'm trying to say or talk abt also. ramblings.

i guess it's like, how do you know who you like? it feels like, if u tell urself, k u shdu go try for this girl, then that's the one u like. like u could say anyone, and that will be the girl.

maybe the one whom u'll end up loving is the person who have a chance with?

but what if you have a lot of chances with a lot of ppl?

if it's based on chances, then i would def have no prob. since i'm living my life convinced i have no chance with anyone. sometimes it feels like, i'll go for the girl who shows me i have half a chance with her.

but then i don't want it to be like "eh half a chance! quickly grab it!" cuz that's like damn despo. i'm pretty sure i wanna fall for a girl not for the reason that i just want someone, but for the reason, i really want this specific girl who can be everything i need.

yeah. i guess i won't fall for the first girl that comes along, but i would if she's really someone i can be with.

but seems like i'd work and try and try to fall in love with any girl now. lol. yes i've been single-ish for too long.

but nah. as long as i'm thinking like that, i don't think i'll let myself fall for anyone yet.

but then again, if i can realise this abt me, maybe i'm ready?


gr8. good job ben. confuse urself even more.


not bad. i can talk a lot of rubbish. if u read the whole thing. i'm amused. cuz u pretty much just read exactly all the thoughts that went thru my mind. this clearly had no preplanning when i wrote it. it's like think --> type. which is exactly why it doesn't make sense. and like i'm debating with myself.

hhaha. k i'm done talking nonsense. bye. :)

Currently Listening To: Assassin - Muse

I Want To Highlight Certain Lines

but every single word suits. every single word.

read.

When I Get Home, You're So Dead

The words are coming I feel terrible
Is it typical for us to end like this
Am I just another scene
From a movie that you've seen 100 times
Cause baby you weren't the first or the last or the worst
And I've got to fill the blanks in the past with a verse
And we could sit around and cry but frankly your not worth it
Anymore

So say hello to all the boys at the top of this table that your under
Lipstick lullabies
This is sorry for the last time
And baby I understand that your making new friends
This is how you get by
The moral this time is
Girls make boys cry

On any other day I'd shoot the boy
But your simple toy
Had caused a scene like this
Leave him hanging on the walls
Just a picture in the hall
Like 100 more
Consider this as a gift as you taste him on your lips
And he's making you scream with his hands on your hips
I hope he's leaving you empty baby this is just a fix
For such a simple little whore

So say hello to all the boys at the top of this table that your under
Lipstick lullabies
This is sorry for the last time
And baby I understand that your making new friends
This is how you get by
The moral this time is
Girls make boys cry

And your name remains the same
All that has changed is this pretty face

So pull the trigger
It never gets closer
You want to start over
But never start over
(x2)

So say hello to all the boys at the top of this table that your under
Lipstick lullabies
This is sorry for the last time
And baby I understand that your making new friends
This is how you get by
The moral this time is
Girls make boys cry

Say hello, say hello ohh
Lipstick lullabies
This is sorry for the last time
And baby I understand that your making new friends
This is how you get by
The moral this time is
Girls make boys cry

Mayday Parade

and yes. even the ones u didn't think applies, applies.

who'd have thought, lying would actually turn out to be worth it.

Currently Listening To: ...To Be Loved - Papa Roach

This Is What Happens When You Get Away With Everything

you don't change. at all.

and u expect the world to just forgive.

no remorse. no regret at all.

and i'm still the bad guy throughout all this.


i'm am so pissed off right now, that's i'm gonna stop here before i start swearing.

leaving me alone, would be a good idea right abt now.

Currently Listening To: The Catalyst - Linkin Park

Is This Proof Enough?

so it's like 4am. and i'm doing some busybodying and stalking. and i found something horrible out.

and it sucks. this proves that bad things happen to good ppl.

and it's damn bloody annoying.

and the horrible ones, get away with everything. like COME ON.


bloody hell. it's pissing off.


damn. i feel horrible for her. esp cuz she's awesome. and she was good to him.

why oh why does life suck like this. it's unfair. =/

Currently Listening To: Everyday I Love You Less and Less - Kaiser Chiefs

Listen To Barney Stinson

cuz when he says "Suit Up", you suit up.

:)

Currently Listening To: Pray Tell - Anberlin

It Worked Out!

i have no idea how. but it did.

well actually i knew how. and i hoped so much. and it happened! like towards the last minute as well!

i spent the last dunno how many days scheming and thinkin how i'd "avoid" it. albeit i'm the one who caused it in the first place.

then i got a solution. then spent the last 4 days planning and procrastinating to tell her.

but then she comes along, and says no.

and now, all settled.

SWEEETTTT.

problem. solved. :)

Currently Listening To: You've Got The Love - Florence + The Machine

Sic Transit Gloria ... Glory Fades

Keep the noise low,
She doesn't want to blow it.
Shaking head to toe while your left hand does the show me around.
Quickens your heartbeat,
It beats me straight into the ground.

You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed - completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets barely whisper,
This is so messed up.

Upon arrival the guests had all stared,
Dripping wet and clearly depressed, he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch.
Unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.
(Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing up.)
He keeps his hands low, He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe, and his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns, and he thinks of throwing up.
But the body on the bed beckons forward, and he starts growing up.

The fever, the focus,
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself!
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathe, But now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

She hits the lights, This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends, he doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth, He is gasping for air.
This is the first and last time, he says.
She fakes a smile, and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like.
He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast, and all he wanted was to hold her.
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her, but she's probably only looking for...

(Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes the art of growing old.)
So much more than he could ever give, A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides,
He waits for it to end and for the aching in his gut to subside.

The fever, the focus,
The reason that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of,
It used to be the reason that I breathed, But now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

Up the stairs, the station where the act becomes, the art of growing up.

The fever, the focus,
The reason that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of,
It used to be the reason that I breathed, But now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

Brand New

in some way, thanks, for screwing me up.

Currently Listening To: Don't Let Me Get Me - P!nk

88

just 88 more!

then done. :)


on a side note, what if 50 Cent or Eminem wrote a christian song, with a nice tune, meaningful lyrics and all. but they didn't mean it? like they just wrote it to make money.

would you sing it?



Currently Listening To: Sympathy - Billy Talent

I Figured Out Why

i know why i'm still around.

i wanna see how this life plays out. just the curiousity to see what will happen in the future.

otherwise, i'm def out.

Face the facts you're a betting man and the deck is stacked
Against you all the time
Since your life is just a failure by design

Four Year Strong

Currently Listening To: It Must Really Suck To Be Four Year Strong Right Now - Four Year Strong

Like You Didn't See It Coming

oh please. it's been here this whole time. you just chose not to see it.

besides, doesn't it suit the current profile. what you actually should have been shocked abt is why not.

and now that you do know, does it really make me less of a person?

think abt it, still the same person, just that now you know something which happened 2 years ago.

it's all in the perception of things i would say.

Currently Listening To: Didn't See That Coming - Taking Back Sunday

Is There A Problem?

G: You asked me if there was a problem earlier. Yeah. There is one. We don't like you.

M: Heh. That's not a problem. ;)

- Pathology

>:)

Currently Watching: Pathology

Find My Way Back

I can't believe what this is doing to me
I've seen so many cities
Fall down to their knees
I'm begging you, please
Don't bury me underneath their crumbled walls
My barren thoughts weigh heavier
Than the weight of our demands

I feel the pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
To find my way back home

I feel the heat and what it's doing to me
I've been pulling at my own skin
To hide my face
It's hard to relate
Forget the way you feel when you are safe at home
You leave this world alone, stone by stone
If only I had known about the

Pressure building up inside my head
I feel the distance drowning me in my own sweat
Cause I need the cold now
It's my turn to roll out all the stops
And show that I know where I have to go

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

One mile left
It lasts a lifetime
Like a promise kept
Under the weight of the world
Falling down on your shoulders
It's colder

I've got to find my way back
Retrace my steps
So I can prove to you that I'm alive
Crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home
Find my way back home
Cause I've been crawling my way back to the place
I know that's meant for me to find my way back
Find my way back home

Four Year Strong

Currently Listening To: Find My Way Back - Four Year Strong

So Apparently I'm Kinda Mean

so here's the thing, i got this friend organising this thing. and in the thing, there's like this entertainment part, which a member in her thing is organising. and, this person, let's name her A.

So A, thinks she knows it all, wants to do everything her way and won't listen to other ppls suggestions. not even her superiors a.k.a my friend.

so my plan, which i mentioned to ppl when we were talking about this issue is this: when A's entertainment thing is done on the event day, i would casually walk behind her, while (acting like i'm) talking to my friend and say "Yeah, this thing is pretty awesome, cept for that entertainment bit which was crap." loud enough so she can hear it.

and surprisingly, a lot of ppl were shocked at how mean i am/could be, which btw, i def don't think i'm being mean at all. which is kinda weird. i mean, hey, this girl is being a bitch thinkin she's right and not listening to my friend who is actually the leader of the whole thing. so yeah, why should i be nice to someone who's being a bitch to my friend? and yeah, i do think being "mean" to her is justifiable.

hey, she's my friend, i'd def have her back if ppl mess with her. and yes, that includes being mean to those who mess with her.

i'm not mean. i've just got my friend's back.

:)

Currently Listening To: Guernica - Brand New

I'll Be Here Waiting

and unfortunately, hoping.

Currently Listening To: Deciphering Me - Brooke Fraser

Maybe That's Why I'm Reluctant To Call

This heart earned.

So swallow the smoke and let them reach your lungs this time.

While knowing I'm going back to where efforts were just meaningless supposed encouraging words.

We'll see. How bad things will be.

And as much as I really don't wanna disappoint you, I know who I am won't be good enough or I will be a disappointment to you.

So I shall not place hope where you deserve better.

Currently Listening To: Given Up - Linkin Park

The Cursed Shirt

seriously la. i'm like speechless.

k first of all, understand this. i do not like doing the work that is needed to iron a shirt. it's just a lot of work to me. and i don't like work.

so the master plan is, don't wash a shirt as often so i don't have to iron a shirt that often.

so since i'm here in NZ, that makes not washing the shirt way easier. cuz you def don't sweat so ur shirt won't get dirty. and, those who know me, know i wear a t-shirt inside, so my shirt won't get whatever sweat that may come.

so it's like perfect! shirt not dirty, no need wash, no need to iron. no need to work. settle.


k so why cursed shirt? this is why. i have this shirt. as soon as i iron, the next day confirm have to wash.

the first time, i ironed for the Vegas ball. then that night, got drunk then got puke on the shirt. so fine have to wash. and my fault also.


but today! i tried my best! but still it got dirty right after ironing it last night. and this time not by me! it's like, if i don't screw up, then the universe will find someone else to screw it up for me. shoh.

and it's like, i ironed the shirt damn nice already. like professionally ironed i must say. then feeling all awesome and all wearing it.

then went to subway for lunch. and halfway thru eating, i realised how messy subway is. then i was like crap. i looked down at my shirt and said to myself "k gotta eat careful. don't wanna wash this now do you?"

so i ate carefully, and i finished! then i look down, and no drop on my (still awesomely ironed) shirt! wah i was like damn proud and happy. :D

so was clearing up my stuff going to throw away, then suddenly i felt a drop on my shirt. i look down. and :O:O:O there's a blob of sauce on it. and i'm like HOW IN THE WORLD DID THE SAUCE GET THERE?? i ate finish already!

then i find out, friend next to me dropped it. how in the world it can reach so far and land on my shirt, i have no idea.

HAIH. even when i try my best not to mess up the shirt, it still gets messed up.

now have to wash. and IRON again my shirt.

damn cursed shirt.

Currently Listening To: Bite My Tongue - Relient K

The Little Stuff Impress

it's official.

the things i do, that i totally don't plan for ppl to be impressed by, are the things that people get impressed by.

and the things i purposely do so that people are impressed by it, noone notices.

gr8.

don't believe me? just check my FB. the ones with the most likes/comments of all, are the most unexpected ones to me that ppl find impressive. like to me, it's just yeah, that's cool. not that gr8. but others seems to really like it.


yeah. nothing goes according to plan in my life it seems.


gah. sucks that my life is this depressing. but i'm gonna push on. for now at least.



and it's funny, i always said, i won't get addicted to that.

but this emoness, looks like it's making me addicted.

like i go back to it, to make myself feel better.

how? i dunno.



but it works.

so i'll leave it at that.

Currently Listening To: Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team) [Live and Acoustic] - Taking Back Sunday

The More I Think Of...

yeah who am i kidding

WHEN i think of it. it just doesn't add up.

no way that could happen without the want for it to happen.

and no i don't believe it just happened once. it prob went on for quite a while.

and really how does one do that and not think of it's effects.

i realise now u chose to ignore them. cuz it wasn't important as claimed to be.

what i never understood is why lie to me?

u shud have just said that you didn't want, instead of asking me to hope even more.

oh well, i guess i deserved it for being forgiving.


yeah. this is why i can't forgive i guess. still way too pissed off. and nth to resolve.

the only good part is, i'm learning to live with all this. so yeah, i may suffer. but maybe the future will be better.


and cool. HIMYM just taught me smth. i shudn't be keeping stuff from my past.

gotta get rid of them soon. well this hols will do then.

Currently Watching: How I Met Your Mother Season 2 Episode 17

Dear Lauren

Happy 18th Birthday!

as you are now the sorta "legal" age, i shall tell you, BE A GOOD GIRL K? ;)

hahahah.

and may you have a great day, and also great year ahead of you.

take care ok?

oh

and don't forget, you are AWESOME and AMAZING! :)

don't ever EVER forget that. :)

once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

Love,
Ben J :)

Don't Get How This Fall Thing Works

why is it, the person i think i'm falling for, won't be around when i get there?

oh well. shouldn't let what can't happen grow.

so it stops here i guess.

Currently Listening To: Dog Days Are Over - Florence + The Machine

Tasty Hunger

no. i wouldn't say i hunger for the taste.

at least i don't think so.

it's just smth i want to do i guess.

hmm

Currently Watching: Prince Of Persia: Sands Of Time

Cycles

funny how alluring that one thing you can't have is. but when you get it, you don't want it. so why is it when you lose it again, you realise you want it? wouldn't it make sense that you realise you didn't want it so you wouldn't want it anymore.

A green light, unkind
No where to go on a one track mind
It's a break down at the wrong time
I'm catching up but I'm still behind

We did it right, we did it right for some time
But I looked up and you were gone
We did it right, we did it right for some time
I couldn't give you what you want

Cause you just want to take a faster ride
Lower lows, higher highs
Get it, get it, go until you get it right
And I hope you find it
Cause you just want to take a faster ride
Lower lows, higher highs
But you just got to kiss me one more time
So just kiss me goodbye

A red light, wrong way
I'm just a game that you like to play
It's a hot start to your cold ways
You got bored then you walked away

You did it right, you did it right for some time
But I looked up and you were gone
You did it right, you did it right for some time
I couldn't give you what you want

Cause you just want to take a faster ride
Lower lows, higher highs
Get it, get it, go until you get it right
And I hope you find it
Cause you just want to take a faster ride
Lower lows, higher highs
But you just got to kiss me one more time
So just kiss me goodbye

So now you're moving on (you're moving on)
With no regrets (with no regrets)
But I'm still hanging on (I'm hanging on)
To every word you said (to every word you said)

But you just want to take a faster ride
Lower lows, higher highs
Get it, get it, go until you get it right
But you'll never find it, no

Cause you just want to take a faster ride
Lower lows, higher highs
Get it, get it, go until you get it right
And I hope you find it
Cause you just want to take a faster ride
Lower lows, higher highs
But you just got to kiss me one more time
Just kiss me goodbye

So just kiss me goodbye

Cartel

funny how the album name turned out to be a perfect title for this post.

Currently Listening To: Faster Ride - Cartel

Talk Talk

when people talk about me, and i don't know about what, or who did it, it pisses me the hell off.

yeah. i'm secretive like that. i like maintaining a low profile.

so it's pretty much, if i tell you stuff, then u shud know stuff.


so it's annoying as when ppl find out stuff about me and i don't know how they know or who told them.

and attempting to lie makes it worse.

yeah, guess u forgot i can tell.


Currently Listening To: Cute Without The 'E' (Cut from the Team) - Taking Back Sunday

I Guess I Kinda Feel Bad

considering we did have a thing, for a short time, and after i kinda made a big deal abt her bday to myself last year, i feel kinda bad that i totally forgot this year.

prob u cud say i din make the effort to remember after we lost contact. ok fine, after i didn't reply in a long time that i forgot. come to think of it, the email is still there in my inbox.

if it wasn't for her saying her bday was coming up, albeit in a subtle way, i would have forgotten.

and yeah, that sucks to know how i just didn't remember. =/


the bright side, at least i remembered now. so i still got my chance to wish.

gotta try and make up for the not keeping in touch as well.

Currently Listening To: Of All The Gin Joints In All The World - Fall Out Boy

Can't Believe I Didn't Do It

the choice was between, being nice and being absolutely purely honest.

sucks how actually, both can be the wrong choice.

uncool. =/


Currently Watching: How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 17

Rumah

YES!

flight tickets all bought!

i'm going home!

and coming back!

for less than 1000NZD.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D


not bad. for a long busy day. it has ended well. can't believe i was in uni til 5 man. then out after that as well.

now. to get 337 done! :D

good thing i'm in a good mood now as well. :D

Currently Doing: Studying for ENME337

Sonofadisucyelrkadfueimn

SAY NO DAMNIT

SAY NO


why is it, every single time i get the opportunity to say no. i don't.

crap la. just say no to her.

i shouldn't.

bleh.

bleh.

bleh.


Currently Listening To: Down On My Head - Yellowcard

It's Gonna Be My Year

u know, for a massively sucky year with so many sucky things and so many things "wrong", i'm actually enjoying my year.

i have no idea why. it's just way more fun. weird huh?

it just doesn't make sense why i feel so.. fun?

maybe cuz i care less?

maybe it's the new flat and flatmates?

maybe cuz i got less things to worry abt in a way?


i have no idea.

but how can so many things be going wrong and i'm still enjoying myself?


life. lol.

Currently Listening To: avast! Antivirus Information

Clan

how awesome. someone asked me to join their clan. :)

i feel pretty wow now. :)

Currently Playing: Modern Warfare 2

Perfect Answer

i just realised. this whole time, there was actually a perfect answer.

and when i say perfect answer, i mean perfect. as in, every single time, if this had been used, everything would be solved. and it was also the right answer.

the perfect answer to bring happiness.

but the trick was, to actually mean it. which i guess would be the problem. cuz hey, it's easy to say stuff and not mean it right?

oh well. you can't get what you don't deserve and don't try for right? :)

so no perfect answer for me. :)

Currently Listening To: All For The Taking - Turtle Giant

Everything You Ever Wanted And Needed

has been here the whole time.

all the answers. have been given to you.

everything to make your life right, the way you want it to be. all have been said to your face.

it's whether you choose to see it.

or you choose to give up.

that is up to you.

but all you ever wanted and needed to know.

i have given all of you.

now open your eyes.

cuz there's only a number of hints i can drop. so that in some cases, what you do will be sincere.

Currently Watching: Lord of The Rings 2: The Two Towers (Extended Edition)

Shakira

u know, i realise i have no appreciation for dance at all.

but somehow, watching Shakira dance in the music vid for Waka Waka, man that's impressive.

seriously. so i realised, that flexible ppl, are gr8 dancers. and actually make dance more interesting.

k that's all.

random. ya. :)

Currently Watching: Psych Season 4 Episode 14

888

i just remembered, even though last night was a night of major screw ups, at least i found out i wasn't used afterall. :)

Currently Listening To: Breathing - Yellowcard

What In The World La

like since when my tolerance dropped so much?

i'm quite irritated by that.

and also by the fact that i'm a nuisance to others when i get drunk.

and i can't remember shit.

ish.

looks like more training is involved.

Currently Listening To: Here Is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls

Insects. Pests. Bugs.

i think what's annoying is i think i know, but i'll never be sure.

some days, i prefer to know nth at all than not enough information.

but it just totally makes sense that he'd be the one i guess.

and i figured i'd prob nvr be ok. by the way i always seem to have a problem at the smallest sight of him.

best part is, i know i shouldn't be pissed. but that's what happens after so long i guess.


but the one positive thing i keep learning, is that after a while, u just get used to everything, that they don't seem to matter.


"Time. It all just takes time. And everything will turn out fine..."

Currently Listening To: Voices - Saosin

Postpone Postpone

just cuz i've got things to distract me.

i know i should do it b4 things get "worse".


weird part is, i'm not even sure WHY i'm postponing.

hmmm


in other news,

nah. won't be saying that here. :)

Currently Listening To: Last Train Home (Demo) - Lostprophets

Ask! But What If

i wanna ask for it. but i guess in some way, it's like if u do all you can to get smth, but then what u get isn't as gr8 as what u expected, u still end up kinda disappointed la.

so yeah. think i shall not ask then. and just wait for it. since it's bound to come anyway.


and wow. sat coming soon. can't wait. shud be awesome. i hope i don't screw up and everyone else is up to mark.


and i realise how much i prefer performing as to studying. why can't that be my life. ish.

Currently Listening To: Ride Wit Me - Nelly

The Norm

one thing abt the norm i hate is how things are not of the norm.

more specifically things that ppl don't see as the norm and the things that have to do with my life.

it seems like the more known it is, the more i feel i don't wanna hide it.


maybe i'm just affected by the surrounding situations that make me wanna don't care and just let whatever implications happen.

what sucks is, noone remembers the good u do, but they will forever remember the bad.


i wasn't going to say this, but since i'm here typing this already, why not.


i'm tired. i'm tired of being the one ppl rely on. i'm tired of being the good guy. i'm tired of being the one to look up to.

i'm tired of saving ppl. i'm tired of giving chances to those who take it for granted. i'm tired of being used by ppl who know i will still forgive them.

i'm tired of doing the right thing. while everyone screws up. and get's away with it. and i know 95% of ppl reading this are still or have screwed up.

and it sucks how if i were to screw up, i will still be judge by those who screw up.

i want to not care. i want to live the way i have always wanted to.

i've tried doing the right things, cuz that's what i know i should do. and also cuz i tot it was what everyone would be doing. so i figured i won't be the only loser doing the right thing. i'd have ppl backing me up. cuz hey, being a loser isn't so bad when ure not doing it alone.

then i realised, the ppl i trusted the most are the ones who screwed up the most.

so now, i want to screw up. but ppl have built a rep of me, without knowing the real me, so i don't wanna let them down.

and i want to do the right things, but i see no point if noone else is going to follow rules.

so i'm tired. i'm tired of being the person who you think i am. i guess at some point i enjoyed doing the right thing, just knowing what i'm doing is right was satisfying. avoiding temptation for the sake of doing the right thing.

but i can't do this anymore. esp if it's just me doing the right thing.

i can't be the role model anymore.

so if you've seen me deteriorate over the past 3 years, i'm sorry. it was never part of the plan. i was just not strong enough. as i saw it pointless to be the only one standing for what's right when most ppl around me just followed the world.

so here's my humblest apologies.

Currently Listening To: Take My Away - Lifehouse

Sometimes, The Hub Can Give You A Good Laugh

[19:34] SilentNub> has ne1 here played the game singularity?
[19:35] Catalyst> im going to say no because its shorter than yes, as you said ne1 because its shorter than anyone
[19:35] Catalyst> so no
[19:35] SilentNub> ...
:D

lol

Currently Listening To: Breakin' - The All American Rejects

You Got The Chance

this is what you wanted.

so don't screw it up.

you've spent days wondering when you would get a chance like this.

so don't screw it up.

do everything you can to make sure this chance you get doesn't go to waste.

u better make damn sure.

****

so since it's here, imma do everything i can. i'm not gonna be lazy. i'm going to make it perfect. so i don't have to walk away with any regret.

i can do this, so i'm going to.

Currently Listening To: Secrets - One Republic

My Better, Is Better Than Your Better

i love this. esp cuz of the perasan-ness. AWESOME LA.

Currently Doing: Anything better than you. >;)

It Just Only Happens, Everytime

and then you went and proved (once again) it was all just a lie.

things said was from the spur of the moment.

i guess i kinda expected more than a "yeah finally i got what i want (without trying again)" and then just leaving it.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?

You Found Me
The Fray

funny how i'm always the one trying to fix things when it's not me who screwed up.

k i have to learn not to take ppl's words seriously. esp if they're alone and emotional. hmmm

i really gotta learn to accept that a leopard can't change it's spots. and i've been learning to accept the things i deserve instead of crap. (but then again, i deserved what i got. hmm)

oh well, time to chill out and relax.

so going away for a few days.

Currently Listening To: You Found Me - The Fray

It Just Reaches That Point

life's not fair.

and it will never be.

no matter how much effort u put into smth, it'll just turn bad.

there's no way of getting what you deserve.

so best choice is to give up.

who would have thought?

Currently Listening To: Boston - Augustana

I Don't Give Myself Enough Credit

i always thought to myself that i'm incapable of keeping a secret that has to do with me.

don't know why, but i always thought i can't keep my mouth shut.

but i guess, until you actually screw up bad enough, you won't try as hard to hide it.

only then, will a person do everything to hide.

hmmm

Currently Listening To: Set Phasers To Stun - Taking Back Sunday

It's Like A Magnet Repeling

it sucks to know that no matter what, i will always be the last to know abt anything.

somehow, it's like it's always like i don't need to know.

whether it's close friend or not, i will always be the last to know.


why??

do i give out some sort of aura that says, "oh ben shouldn't/doesn't need to know abt this."


damnit why can't i know.


it's always like that.

i need to figure out what about me makes ppl not tell me anything. hmm

Currently Listening To: Dirty Little Heart - Lostprophets

The World, Just Isn't Right

it's just not right i tell you.


for now, there's ppl, whom the whole world should be making fun of, but they don't. why? cuz they're nice. so they treat the person normal.

so fine. ppl are nice. that's fine and normal and right.


BUT, the messed up part is the weird ppl are the ones making fun of ppl!

like come on. that's not right, why is the weirdo making fun of ppl??

langsung tak sedar diri man.


like ppl show graciousness and be kind to weirdo, but weirdo is happily being mean to other ppl.


figures huh.


once again proving that nice guys/ppl finish last.

Currently Watching: Scrubs - Season 5 Episode 10

Repeat The Year

looks like im gonna have to repeat this year.

cuz it'll take a miracle right now to pass my subjects which i had exam for.

if only i could catch what's going on. haih.


my biggest worry right now is that will JPA still keep me or i'm gonna get cut off.

haih.

it is shocking and depressing at the same time.

u gotta buck up ben. come on.


haih.

Currently Listening To: Don't Stop Believing - Glee Cast

Can't Focus!

i sit here in the glade attempting to study for my exam which start in 45mins.

and i just can't concentrate.

thinking abt life. and things i wanna blog abt.


life oh life, why couldn't you have just been ordinary? then things wouldn't be messed up.


yes i know i shouldn't be complaining. and i shouldn't be thinkin abt those stuff.

but yeah. it doesn't go away easy.

i'm sry.


gotta try harder!

Currently Doing: Studying for ENME339

Inspirational Advice From My Mom

read.

now apply it.

Currently Listening To: Wasting Time (Eternal Summer) - Four Year Strong

Cut Down

1st year

2nd year

this year. ,...

like wow totally cut down. and it's like half a year already!

it's weird. cuz now, we just go casino lepak and town like not that much compared to the last two years.

they always say that 2nd year is the year you screw up. and i look at the pic and i'm like wow. quite accurate ah. esp know that's like less than half of what i actually had the whole year.

sooooo. who wants to go liquorking? i got some Corona i want to buy. ;D

Currently Listening To: Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls

Son Of A Biscuit!

stay away from my future!

>:(


not cool at all!

i was pretty sure i was past this.

grrr.

Currently Watching: Scrubs - Season 4 Episode 1

You

Dear You,

I love you.

Love,
Me

:)



p.s.: for those who don't know, i'm just writing to myself. haha! :D

Currently Listening To: Damn Regret - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Just Be Normal. Thanks.

yes. it's true. i absolutely can't stand gay guys.

and when i say that, i mean like those ppl who act like bapuks.

it's just waayyy too disturbing and weird for me.

but it's funny, i know ppl who are actually gay, but they don't act like that. and those ppl i'm fine with. i don't support them being gay. but i can tolerate them.

it's those guys who act like girls who just freak and disturb the hell outta me. ppl like Kurt Hummel from Glee. gosh i can't stand that freak.

some guys do it for fun, but i dunno if you notice, but once they start, the more gay they get. and the more it's disturbing to me. and ten bucks says they don't even notice that they're becoming gay-er.

and it's funny how sometimes, ppl don't want you in stuff just cuz u don't act gay enough.

well then. i guess i'm too cool to be gay. and u know what, that's exactly how it's supposed to be. so if you don't want me in your stuff, i'm sure as hell happy to stay away from gayness. :)

Currently Listening To: When Your Heart Stops Beating - +44

My First Kiss

My first kiss went a little like this
And twist
And twist

[Ke$ha]
Well my first kiss went a little like this
And twist
And twist

[Verse]
I said no more teachers
And no more books
I got a kiss under the bleachers
Hoping that nobody looks
Lips like liquorish
Tongue like candy
Excuse me miss but can I get you out your panties?

[Hook]
In the back of the car
On the way to the bar
I got you on my list
[I got you on my list]
At the foot of the stairs
With my fingers in your hair
Baby, this is it

[Chorus]
She won’t ever get enough
Once she gets a little touch
If I had it my way,
You know that I’d make her say
Ooooooh
Ooooooh

She won’t ever get enough
Once she gets a little touch
If I had it my way,
You know that I’d make her say
Ooooooh
Ooooooh


[Verse]
Well my first kiss went a little like this
I said no more sailors
And no more soldiers
With your name in a heart
Tattooed up on the shoulders
Your kiss is like whiskey
It gets me drunk
And I wake up in the morning with the taste of your tongue


[Hook]
In the back of the car
On the way to the bar
I got you on my list
[I got you on my list]
At the foot of the stairs
With my fingers in your hair
Baby, this is it

[Chorus]
She won’t ever get enough
Once she gets a little touch
If I had it my way,
You know that I’d make her say
Ooooooh
Ooooooh

She won’t ever get enough
Once she gets a little touch
If I had it my way,
You know that I’d make her say
Ooooooh
Ooooooh


[3OH!3]
My first went a little like this
And twist
And twist
[Ke$ha]
Well My first kiss went a little like this
And twist
And twist

[Chorus]
She won’t ever get enough
Once she gets a little touch
If I had it my way
You know that I’d make her say
Ooooooh
Ooooooh

[Chorus]
She won’t ever get enough
Once she gets a little touch
If I had it my way,
You know that I’d make her say
Oooooooh
Oooooooh
She won’t ever get enough
Once she gets a little touch
If I had it my way,
You know that I’d make her say

3Oh!3 ft Ke$ha

:)

Currently Listening To: My First Kiss - 3Oh!3 ft Ke$ha

Forgive You

i know i'm supposed to.

and i know i eventually will.

but just maybe it'll be just before i die.

or maybe even i won't.


but for now, i can't. cause once again, you're asking me to give and you're just gonna take.

i refuse to be used.

so if you're not gonna try and make any effort to make things right, and u just plan to sit there and let everything come to you, then screw you. i'm not doing anything.


what you did is unacceptable.

i refuse to forgive it with a fake sorry you don't even mean.

remember, words mean shit.

so seriously, u have come to me with nothing, so i'm gonna leave you with nothing.

go screw yourself. leave me alone. i'm fine this way. :)

Currently Listening To: Telephone - Lady GaGa ft Beyonce

Life's Ironies

my life just has all these weird contradictions (i don't even know if contradictions is the right word. i think irony would suit better. if u find a better word let me know. thx). which, well can actually suck.

it's stuff like,

liking to draw. but dunno how to draw. :(

can sing and play kinda complex guitar parts. but don't have the voice to sing. :(

likes to play guitar. but not good at it. :(


yeah. it's sucks how life's like that.

i'll post more when i can think of them.

Currently Listening To: She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5

Never Take Friendship Personal

There's a hatchet got a knife
When I awoke there was nothing real in this life
But dreams are so intoxicating, (intoxicating)
When you're doing this alone
Gun, rope, brick on the way
But words have no meaning when its you that says
I really do care, no baby I, I really do care!

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Once a skeptic, now the critic
And you think that you finally found a place of your own.
Amongst the cold and timid souls
Where only failure knows your name

Look around for the closest to blame
But look no further than the hands beneath your arms
and now your 6 feet down, buried with,
with your passing fame fame fame fame.

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Oh, oh, oh, you lie
Tell me something more than what you tried to hide
If you can't find yourself, then how can I expect to find you.
Oh, oh, oh, you cry
Tell me something more than what you try
The greatest tragedy is not your death
But a life without reason, your life has no purpose
Your life has no reason, your life has no purpose

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?

Anberlin

something i totally need to learn.

Currently Listening To: Paperthin Hymn - Anberlin

You Shouldn't Do Stupid Things Like That In The First Place

Haley Haley.

i'm disappointed.

i thought you wouldn't have turned out like every other celeb.

u kinda expect the slutty ppl to be the ones to do such a thing.

but i guess not just them. Nothing Is What It Seems.


haih.

lost respect. =/

Currently Watching: FlashForward Season 1 Episode 22

But When You Realise It, It'll Be Too Late

it's not what you want.

but, ure so scared that if you let go what you have, you may not find anotherm which is similar cuz that's what you're comfortable with.

you know your heart is not at rest.

but you want it to be. you want to be able to say "Yeah I'm happy" with a clear conscience.

but you can't. so you go on living your life everyday saying "Yeah this is what i want" even though you don't believe it.


and by the time you realise that when you could have let go and moved on to be happy, u've invested too much in what you have, it'll be too late.

because you'll tell yourself "What can i do? I've settled for this the whole time. I've put so much effort in this" that you won't leave even if you're not happy.


so you go on to live the rest of your days being miserable. cuz now it's too late.


my advice, do the things that make you happy, and that feels right and comfortable with you.

and don't ever fool yourself into thinking you're happy when you're not.

cuz well, at the end of the day, it's you who's gonna suffer.


but then again, who am i to tell you all these things right?

so go, go back to being 'happy'.

i hope i'm wrong. :)

Currently Listening To: 19/2000 [Soulchild Remix] - Gorillaz

Kill Me Now

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT





JUST KILL ME RIGHT NOW.

Currently Listening To: Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade

Cliched-ly True

it's funny, u watch a show, and this scene happens.


Girl A asks Guy A out. not the first time she's asking. but he's like no cuz he's just out of a relationship. but then she persists. so he's like, well, he's gotta move on to right? so why not.

and like a few moments after they kiss, that's the moment la when the guy gets the msg from his ex saying that she made a mistake implying they shud get back together.


so that's the scene. so typical right the timing? and it's like so cliche. and ppl will say, it always happens in shows one la. not in real life.

so when it actually happens in real life, u just end up getting stunned. like NO WAY. this is just too coincidental. kinda mind blowing i would say.

so in the end, you end up with, Mind Blown + Confusion at Ex + Confusion abt what to do with new girl. yeap. ur brain ends up in a mess.


it's funny, cuz like, we tend to watch all these dramas shows and say, psh that nvr happens in real life.

but sometimes, all these unbelievable stuff u see, happened in real life, and that's where the shows got the inspiration from.

hmmm

Currently Listening To: Blackbirds - Linkin Park

I Classify Myself As Having Class, In A Way

it's kinda amusing.

cuz like u hear all these ppl who are jumping bf and gf. it's like the first person that comes their way, that's the next bf/gf.

to me, that just seems waaaayyyy too despo.



or maybe it's just that i'm too picky. i mean, these girls actually make an effort, but i'm like, nah.

lol. i feel like i'm damn too much.

i'd rather look at it as though i have class. high standards. ;)

well sure i look like a stuck up jerk. but hey! beats being a despo! :D


Currently Listening To: Tear Down The Walls - Hillsong United

Not Good Enough

not that easy now. ;)





on a side note. i'm not emo anymore. and haven't and won't be emo. so calm down. everything's good now. :)

Currently Listening To: All Day - Hillsong United

I Deserved It

put it this way.

imagine, there's this terrorist. who has killed ppl. and is planning to kill more. but nobody knows who he is.

then he gets shot by some random person.

now that you know the background of the story, u probably might say, "well, he deserved what he got"


but imagine u din know the background. all you'd get is:

He got shot by some random person.


and now u say "damn that random guy for killing an innocent civilian"



so i guess, though random guy's action is bad (cuz he's killing someone), just maybe the other guy deserved it.

Currently Listening To: My First Kiss - 3Oh!3

They Know What To Say

because your best friend doesn't tell you what you wanna hear.

she tells you what you need to hear.

and tells you what's right. and the right thing to do.

even if it's the last thing on earth you wanna hear/do.


so thx Laurz. ure right.


haih. i don't wanna do this.

it's not fair.

but it's the right thing to do. =/

Currently Playing: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

I Feel Famous!

wow. if you search "Nothing is what it seems" on google, my blog comes up on the 4th link!

like wow. i mean, that's like just a random phrase, song lyrics, can be anything!

but like i'm at the first page of google. and top 5 link somemore!

lol. so weird. it's not like i post worldy relevant stuff somemore. hahaha.

k la. awesome. i shall just accept it. haha!

Currently Listening To: Nothing Is What It Seems (Without You) - Saosin

Where Is All This Going

i know. i'm not supposed to blog abt emo stuffs. but yeah.

things just seem really sucky now. i've lost all interest in studying.

i literally just feel like i can't study.

and it's not like i can take a break either. classes just keep going. assignments come pouring in. haih.

worst is, i suck so much at my studies, i don't even know i can do my assignment. as much as i want to. i know i'm going to screw up cuz i don't know how. and i know if i ask my friends, i'm pretty much gonna be asking everything, so i'd rather not annoy them.

i wish i could be like my other friends. who can actually study. i don't know why i just absolutely have no mood. none at all. i know i should. but it's like my mind wanders off places so i can't concentrate.

and it's hard, cuz i really need to understand stuff to get it. my friends just manage to memorize and they get it. it sucks.

maybe it's just been that subject which i haven't done well from the start. and last year i made things worse. and this year, even if i want to try, my basics is flawed. so i mess up even the simple stuff.

my math also screwed up. in class now they talk abt math stuff, and i don't remember them. and they don't really explain what's going on the math side. we're just supposed to remember i guess. but i don't. my memory is just that bad i guess.

i guess it's demotivating. seeing my friends answer with a breeze the easy stuff and i still just screw up. why don't i have their motivation to study? why does everything else in the world seem more interesting than studying?

maybe it's my social life which screwed me up. maybe i've got too many emo things to think abt? it's bugging me. i don't understand it. "it's not fair".

for sure i know that it's cuz of my 2nd year that i'm suffering now. i wish i could i repeat it in some way. make sure i learn everything properly this time. but i doubt JPA would look kindly on it. plus the social impacts of one repeating 2nd year seems like it'll be harsh. everyone will be like "look at that kid, didn't study enough so can't make it to 3rd year. he deserved it." well, without a doubt i deserve it, but somehow the thought of it just seems embarrassing to go through.

why oh why didn't i put enough effort last year instead of just trying to scrape through? haih.

what if this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing? what if Mech Eng is not for me? hmmm. it's weird, cuz only after 2 years, now i'm thinking of it. this whole time, i was sure. "This is what i wanna do." and now i can barely keep up. in fact, i'm not even keeping up. it sucks. but what sucks even more is, if this isn't what i was meant to do, then what is? my whole life has been built around this. and if that was wrong, then i've been wasting my life?

maybe i'm not smart enough. maybe i just got dumb and now i don't get easy things. but i don't think so. i know that if i study hard enough, i can do it. but how do i study if i don't have the motivation to.

and how do i study level 2 stuff when my level 1 stuff is bad? i want time to fix this. but time just keeps on moving.


i can fix this. i hope i can. but i need time and motivation. i believe i can get the time. but how do i get the motivation when it seems like i've lost all hope? when i think to myself "what's the point of going over today's lecture, you're not gonna get it"

it sucks cuz i know this is important. even if i don't want it to be. and i can't just brush it off. it's affecting me a lot. it's getting to a point that it may just be depressing. haih.

haih. times like these, i so wish for a time machine.

Currently Listening To: Save Me (Wakeup Call) - Unwritten Law

I Want To Win

i want to be the one, to screw up, and end up coming out on top.


just one good big fat undeserving win.

which i'll remember for the rest of my life.

and i'll probably never ask for more.

Currently Listening To: Hate Every Beautiful Day - Sugarcult

If You Wanna Literally LoL, Watch This

damn epic. seriously

Currently Listening To: Airplanes Pt 2 - B.o.B ft. Hayley Williams & Eminem

The "Messed Up" Girl

u know how there's some girl whom ur friends try to convince you she's messed up? yeah. that girl.

but somehow, i found out these girls somehow can be better than some normal ppl.


like how girl A told me girl B was a slut. but it turns out that girl A is the one who's making out with almost everyone, and girl B is the one with the steady boyfriend for the past 3 years.


and how another girl, instead of trying to avoid me cuz she didn't bring the thing i lent to her (like how i think most ppl would act), she actually came and apologized to me, and told me she didn't bring it. clearly i'm sure everyone would prefer the truth instead of avoiding, like how i feel abt it.


so yeah. these supposedly "messed up" girls, can actually do better than other ppl. hmm.

Currently Watching: South Park - Season 13 Episode 13

What's Messed Up Is

....waking up the next morning,

remembering how gr8 everything was last night,

and remembering that i forgot to get her number.



sciencedamnit.

haih.

Currently Watching: South Park - Season 11 Episode 11

Ideals

i have all these ideals in my life.

which i know i should follow.

which i try to convince ppl they should follow.


and i know if we all follow it, everyone is gonna end up happy.



the problem is, more than half of them i've broken, and i see more which i just know i'm going to break.


=/

Currently Watching: One Tree Hill - Season 7 Episode 20

I'm Outta Control!

last night, i went extreme.

cuz i have no discipline, so i had to do smth to take care of that.

so i went,

and

uninstalled COD4.



it's like using one whole pack of cigarettes and then going cold turkey.


but haih. it's needed.

let's just hope i don't find new ways to distract myself.

Currently Listening To: Wild Wild West - Will Smith

This Does Not Make Sense To Me

when u think abt it, hot air rises, so why would you put a heater on the ceiling?

i mean, u want to heat up the cold air right? so if the hot air rises to the ceiling, wouldn't the heater just heat up the hot air?

then the thermostat (also placed high up) will sense the room is hot based on the hot air at the top of the room.

but HELLOOOOOO. we (humans) live on the ground! why the heck would we want a heater that heats the ceiling instead of the ground area where we're at??!

this is just stupid. it does not make sense. can someone explain this?

probably it's just Ilam's scheme of trying to save money but not actually heating anything.

ish.

Currently Listening To: Time To Dance - Panic! At The Disco

"Unquenchable Allure"

taken from http://increasingfaithfulness.blogspot.com/2010/04/allure.html

cuz it's smth u guys shud read. and in goes inline with today's msg at Refuel.

so, i guess ive thot about this a lot. But im sure its still not goin to come out clearly, but ill try.

Basically, sex is always brought up explicitly in the media. how did it get that far, and why?

I wanna suggest that a long time ago the media started with a couple hugging then kissing, then it progressed to caressing and then an implied sex-scene.

That then slowly progressed to a sex-scene with the couple under the blanket, then the blanket slips, and over the years, suddenly its a full, graphic sex-scene.


From my finite knowledge about this topic, i have come to realise that the reason they keep showing more and more over time is bcuz sex does not satisfy, not permanatly at least.

So, they have to keep raising the bar, thats y theres bondage and all that stuff, soon sex itself becomes boring and needs excitement.

Soon 2 ppl r not enough, and it becomes a group party.

have any of u watched porn? well if u have, then u probably experienced something like this

in the begining
watching 2 ppl make out turns you on

but over time, thats not enuf, and u want more. (yeah i decided to stop describing stuff)

and more, and more and more.


WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU WANT MORE?

Maybe, CUZ IT DOESN'T SATISFY, at least not permanently.


So, if ur searching for something more permanent, its not sex!

Sex just leaves you wanting more sex, if my theory is right (i think it is) and if the sex is not in its right place (marriage)

Does this make sense? not sure if i explained my thots right



anyway, conclusion

if ur dating, ull start holding hands, then sudenly thats not enuf, so u start kissing, then thats not enuf.... it keeps going based on my theory of it not satisfying.

So, basically, with porn n sex and stuff that deal with sex, the more you participate, the more you want, slowly over time it can become an addiction.

What I am tryin to say, is be careful what you allow urself to do. Why are u watching them make out? r u goin to stop there?

why r u frenching her? r u goin to stop there? cuz soon, very soon, if not already, ur going to want more......

Well, Yes, Yes, I Do Feel Amazing

well, honestly, it's not a big deal, but being the first person i know to post/mention abt B.o.B's Airplanes, which everyone is now only hearing, is a pretty awesome feeling.


i like being one of the first discovering new music. esp cuz it's music.

HAPPY.


it's like liking posting smth on FB, then everyone liking it. come to think of it, i did post the song on FB. cept nobody listened and liked it then. ish.

unfortunately, nobody realises i was the first one among them to take note of the song. but nvm. at least i sendiri tau while the song becomes famous. LOL.

Currently Watching: South Park - Season 8 Episode 5

Owned

seriously. owned. i dunno what to say.

[~:¦| βεη Ј |¦:~]© - Airplanes says:
dont' get distracted by fb!
Face your book!

yumey says:
i am texting
and facebooking
hence
i'm textbooking
textbooking = studying
GOOD ENOUGH ;A



gg.

Currently Watching: South Park - Season 8 Episode 2 (A.W.E.S.O.M. - O)

It's Been A While

i just realised, i haven't had a drink in a month.

actually a month and a half. almost.

feels pretty long esp for me. hmmm.


i'm pretty proud of myself i guess. hahaha.



ah time to work tonight. hmmm

Currently Watching: South Park - Season 7 Episode 1

I'm Still Bitter

not cool.

Currently Listening To: Girl Next Door (Acoustic) - Saving Jane

I Know I Have At Least Half Of The People I Know Who Will Murder Me After Reading This

it's true. why? cuz i'm addicted to a song which they will kill me for.

and seriously, i don't think any of them saw this coming.

this being, me listening to a song. and even worse, getting addicted to it.



heck even i didn't see it coming.


but seriously, the song is catchy. and quite addictive. must be some hypnotic beat yo.



what song u ask?


get ready for it.








Super Junior - Sorry Sorry



thank goodness i'm all the way here in NZ safe from their wrath. hahahahahhaa


Currently Listening To: Sorry Sorry - Super Junior

There's A Certain Reason I Like COD4

and this is it.


cuz i can be pretty good at times. :)


hahah. well i guess we all like things we're good at. haha

and speaking of games, AC2 turned out to be really awesome. like it's real fun to play i think. compared to AC, there's just way more stuff to do. it's just different. and same and yet awesome at the same time.

yes it's lagging pretty bad for me for some reason even on lowest setting. but still cool. and tho i do feel the graphics could be better, the gameplay is stil really fun.

k i shall not bore u non-gamers with my gamer talk.

i shall be off. to think abt my assignment. haih.

Currently Playing: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Surprisingly Not Surprising

you know how it's like when you suspect something, but you're not sure about that thing.

so you start doing "research" on that thing you suspect.

and in your head, it's like you have the answer. and you're like pretty sure.

so as you go on, halfway you find what you're looking for.

but instead of being all surprised, you just skim through the fact, and don't even notice you've found what you're looking for. and it's like you already knew it.


funny how suspecting something, turns into a fact already in your head. and when something real comes by to prove you right, you find, you don't need it after all.

in actual fact, you did need that proof. to make sure that your suspicion is true. but ur mind convinces yourself so well, that you believe you didn't need it.

Currently Listening To: Chase This Light - Jimmy Eat World

Airplanes

[Refrain: Hayley Williams]
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

[B.o.B:]
Dreamin... I Fallin...
Yeah
Lets pretend like its 98, like I'm eating lunch off of a Styrofoam trey
Trying to be the next rapper coming out the A
Hoping for a record deal, to re-know my pain
Now lets pretend like I'm on the stage
And when my beat drops everybody goes insane (Ok)
And everybody know my name (B.o.B)
And everywhere I go people wanna hear me sang
Oh yea and I just dropped my new album
On the first week I did 500thousand
Gold in the spring and diamond in the fall
And then a world tour just to top it all off
And lets pretend like they call me the greatest
Selling out arenas with big ass stages
And everybody loved me and no one ever hated
Lets try to use imagination

[Refrain: Hayley Williams]
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

[B.o.B:]
Ok, let's pretend like this never happened
Like I never had dreams of being a rapper
Like I didn't write raps in all of my classes
Like I never use to runaway into the blackness
Now lets pretend like it was all-good
Like I didn't live starring in a notebook
Like I did the things I probably knew I should
But I didn't have maybes that's why they call it hood
Now lets pretend like I aint got a name
Before they ever called me B.o.B or a.k.a Bobby Ray
I'm talking back before the mixtapes
Before the videos and the deals and the fame
Before they once compared me to Andre
Before I ever got my space
Before they ever noticed my face
So let's just pretend and make wishes out of airplanes

[Chorus - Hayley Williams]
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

[Eminem:]
Lets pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen,
Lets pretend things would have been no diff-er-ent,
Pretend he procrastinated had no motivation,
Pretend he just made excuses that were so paper thin.
Make it blow away with the wind, Marshall you're NEVER gonna make it
His alarm went off to wake him but he didn't make it
To the Rap Olympics
Slept through his plane and he missed it

[Refrain: Hayley Williams]
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)

B.o.B ft Hayley Williams & Eminem

Currently Listening To: Airplanes - B.o.B ft Hayley Williams & Eminem

Ok. The Happy Post

well, this week was great. so many good things.

so. let's list them out.

1. GC arrived. Games look magnificent now.
2. Got AC2 working. kinda disappointed a little with how it turned out. so not much mood to play. but still! at least i got it working.
3. Milling is finally done! after 5 days. gosh. we both got just so tired of the whole thing.
4. Getting fatter. which is awesomeeeee.
5. South Park is HILLARIOUS. Cartman is the man!


i'm in a good mood. right now at this moment i'm in a good mood. :)

time to watch more South Park! :)

Currently Listening To: Rain Down - Planetshakers

Ok Ok. Happier Post.

kkk. so too many emo posts and complaning posts. i've come to notice.

so the next time i post, will only be when i have smth awesome to say.


so we shall wait til i have one. :)

see ya!


Currently Watching: The Big Bang Theory - Season 3 Episode 19

Because I Can't Just Let Go, But I Know I Shouldn't Go On

so what do i do?

i can't just drop it and pretend like nothing happened. i don't want it to be like that with them. i'm not that guy.

but what if i'm not even sure what i want? i don't want to just let go.


it's like i think i want, but i know i don't? but i don't want to just let go.

or more like, i've already gone too far to just let it go like that?


WHAT THE CRAP LA.

it feels like with every step i take, i'm digging my grave deeper and deeper.

yet i know i should stop, but i dont. and like wont.

it's like i can sit there saying, don't msg/text/call, but i will still do it.

ugh. come on. i'm like stuck in the middle of nowhere. and i have to make a choice. and it seems like i don't want to go either way.

but i have to go somewhere.


and at least they're trying.


haih

they shud just name me a master of getting myself into trouble.

Currently Listening To: Together - Michelle Branch