Don't Come In

Don't come in if all ou want is comfort for the short period of time ure here.

Don't come in if you plan on just wasting my time.

U know that i will definitely serve you.

I'd like to think i have better things i could be doing.



yeah i'm irritated.

Currently Listening To: They Don't Care About Us - Michael Jackson

I Iz Depressedz

i suck la.

maybe cuz i damn bodoh.

i think i also placed hope on the stupid 3 things. like i thought i could get it. i mean, that's why i din tell right in the first place, cuz i knew i couldn't get it. so why did i place hope?

maybe cuz of hope of what might happen?

haih. hope too much la u. patutla bodoh. ish.


i hate being here. i hate having these thoughts. emo. it's like i tried so hard for nothing. trying to put aside all that happen tho i didn't have to and i should be mad and angry. but for nothing i guess.

so i guess maybe i'll just have to wake up every morning regretting the past. wishing i could take it all back.

i feel so used and useless. like i wasn't ever worth it. it was always just talk.

why do i believe words that never seem to carry out? am that stupid? am i just easy manipulated to give ppl stuff that want? and get used?

haih.


i wanna be happy. and i want someone who really wants to make me happy.

I only want what i can't have

From Now We Are Enemies
Fall Out Boy

Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

Sugar We're Going Down
Fall Out Boy

Currently Listening To: From Now On We Are Enemies - Fall Out Boy

I Followed The Rope Tied To My Ankle. It Led Back To You

i don't get it.

i mean, if you don't want something, you don't do anything to get it right?

it's like, trying to buy Windows 7 and trying to install it on some '03 comp. it's never gonna work.

it's just not compatible that way.


well to me, it just seems like it won't work. why are you so convinced that somehow it can?

the compatibility just doesn't look like it'll work.

i don't know if i can be happy.

and then there's that classic line: "it's not you, it's me"

well doesn't it fit?

i mean, i can't deal with whatever has happened. why do you seem to insist that i will be able to? even i dunno myself that well. whether i'll be able to.

so seriously, it's not you, it's me.

i'm not perfect that way.


but it always makes me wonder as well, what if we were in each others shoes? i guess i know i'd prob be feeling that way the way u do. so i guess i do understand how it is for you. but do you know how it would be for me?

but then again, diff personalities and priorities. maybe some feelings will be more important than others. maybe certain aspects in life are not placed with the appropriate reverence. so the state i'm in may not be understood.

i know i'm not ur everyday type of guy. i'm a weirdo. with weird ways of living my life. i don't fit in with how the world is today. i'm too old fashioned. there's so many things that'll make u suffer if you want this.

so maybe you should decide what is it that you want.

i'm done.

today was a tiring day.

The Offspring - Can't Get My Head (Around You). Kinda had appropriate lyrics.

Currently Listening To: Meet Me On The Equinox - Death Cab For Cutie

How Do I Say What I Need To Say?

i think one of the most annoying things i face is to keep all my thoughts and words in.

there's just so much to say. but it doesn't want to be heard. it's not supposed to be heard i guess.

so that's 2 emails sent into drafts never to come out.


and the thoughts in my head? the words i wanna say? i guess it'll remain there.

i'll have to live with the fact i'll never be able to let my thoughts known. it's not appreciated around here.

haih.



i wanna be happy too.

why couldn't i have it?


Currently Listening To: You Know How I Do - Taking Back Sunday

Not Good End

after having such an awesome, happyfying and relaxing and awesome.

not i find out that my hols don't match up so i can come back and see Jo.

:( not cool yo. not cool.


haih.



but still! Rock Corner, buying my first pair of jeans myself (after we spent hours looking for stuff and not finding size, getting one pair, was pretty happyfying) and the smart tag, and then the party.

wah. it was good. :)

and ok fine. the positive side, i'll def force myself and make it important priority to go US now.

Currently Watching: Chuck Season 3 Episode 4

What The Crap With The Accuracy La One Tree Hill!

"Brooke: I don't want to fight, i just wanted to talk.

Julian: Yet here we are fighting. Now, I'm getting really tired of fighting.

.....


Julian: I'm the guy you can't trust no matter how much I tell you to. and that's your issue Brooke. I'm never gonna be able to make that stop for you.

Brooke: So what are you saying?

Julian: I'm saying maybe right now you need to work on you and I need to work on me."


how how how? how can this show be so tepat to me? am i just seeing things? of all the times and days la. this is just crazy.


Currently Watching: One Tree Hill - Season 7 Episode 13

The Picture Says How I Feel

"It kills me not to know this"
Savior - Rise Against

"I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere"
Weightless - All Time Low

"It's disgusting how little that you try"
Do Better - Say Anything

"I'm being held captive, something's got a hold of me"
The Running Man - The Audition

"Getting worse til there's nothing left"
From Now On We Are Enemies - Fall Out Boy

it sucks that i still have so much to say but you wouldn't want to listen.

and after all this, i know you will still walk away fine.

i wish i was good enough to be talked to.

as if i wasn't insecure enough.

well at least you got what you worked hard for.

Currently Playing: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Do Better

Life is not a spark in space
an episode of will and grace
controversial yet mundane
deborahs messing with your brain
even scientologists know theres more to all of this
search the ruins for trapped doors, wonder what you're put here for
simple as a hint of gas climbing nostrils as you pass
making harvards graduates feel childish when they laugh at it
climb the rungs to kingdom come, sour patch to acid tongue
are you opposed to having fun? you clentch the world between your buns

you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world.

your life is always the post of something else.. where is the present in the way that you present yourself? and it's disgusting how little that you try, the existential equivalence of pink eye.
drink alone and watch tv youre expecting harmony,
statap your tune with silver spoons, and the loving pending doom.
guiding satans steady hand, forcing beatles to dispand.
it's ego freaks and drama queens, the young at heart know what I mean

you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world. you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world.
you could do better, better than that you're a fraud.
thank god you learned to keep your shirt on.
you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world.

you burn so brightly, you burn so brightly in the dark
you burn so brightly, you burn so, you burn so.

you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world
you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world
you could do better, better than that you're a fraud.
thank god you learned to keep your shirt on
you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world.
you could do better, you could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world
we could do better, we could do better, we could be the greatest band in the world.

Say Anything

Currently Listening To: Do Better - Say Anything

It's Like Flogging A Dead Horse

tell me i'm wrong with what i'm feeling.




i realise, it's really tought to write an email in parts. esp when it's long. cuz when you come back, you don't really remember what you've written at the start.




Currently Listening To: A Lifeless Ordinary - Motion City Soundtrack

You Know How I Do

So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
We're both such magnifacent liars.
So crush me baby, I'm all ears.
So obviously desperate, so desperatly obvious.
I'll give in one more time and feed you stupid lines all about "cleaning up my act..."

We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.

So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
Willing and ready to prove the worst of everything you said about.
So obviously desperate, so desperatly obvious.
So good at setting bad examples.
Listen, chic, I've had all I can handle.

We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.
We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore.

Think of all the fun you had.
The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.
Think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and......"I can barely smile"

Think of all the fun you had.
The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time.
Think of all the days you spent alone with just your T.V. set and......"I can barely smile"

Let's go...
He's smoked out in the back of the van, says he's held up with holding on and on and on.
He's smoked out in the back of the van, says he's held up with holding on and on and on.

Taking Back Sunday

Currently Playing: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Funny, But Yet There's Something Too

this is pretty funny. :)




ah one tree hill. you are awesome.


and you help me know i'm not alone. :)

Currently Watching: Dexter Season 4 Episode 4

That Night 2 Years + Ago

i dunno why i sudd thought abt it.

that night was awesome.

i would say life changing in a way.



from doing new stuff i should be doing to meeting people i will never forget.


secrets made that only that section of the club would know about. it's a good thing they probably don't remember. ;P

and another secret whom only one other person i believe knows. and she wasn't even there. interesting how ppl can learn abt others through the internet.


tho of course the morning afternoon after i freaked out abt the taste that was in my mouth, i got used to it. and everything was fine.

then i got in contact with ppl by ways i said i'll never do. for reasons, well the reasons made sense.


ah. how i miss that night. what a gr8 night.

Currently Playing: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Apparently My Posts Ain't Cryptic Enough

Here's what it feels like; We're both walking down this road in the jungle. And then we take a stop, cause i'm not sure if i wanna go on. So, we stop and make camp. The problem now i see, is when do we stop camping there and move on? it's like a stick in the mud. not moving anywhere.





k that failed. it's damn obvious. whatever. at least you know how i'm feeling.

i wish i knew you. i wish i don't have to have this feeling like you're hiding something. it makes it so hard to trust.

bzzzz. 3 things.but if only i can get over ending up like everyone else. basically, a noone. that freaking notch. i guess in some way this falls under the 3 things? hmmm.


why can't i tell you this in person??

maybe i'm afraid to see your reaction. like it won't be what i hope for.



hmm i'm quite a coward.




anyway, i dunno why i feel happy. i can't remember now. i think the FB ppl are making me happy.

OH YEAH. now i remember.

i'm going on to the next year. :)

i feel so relieved. :)

i'm making sure i never fucking fail again.


things have to change. can i do it?

Currently Watching: Fringe Season 2 Episode 2

I Think Somehow, I'm Pretty Easy

3 things. and i'm sold.

but 3 things i won't get.




and today just proved that it doesn't pay to be nice. or good at all.

it's unfair. it's so unfair. that bad things happen to good ppl.

and screw ups get away with things.




and now from stepping closer and looking for the path in the dark, it seems like all source of light has disappeared. this is when people say you should turn around and head back to the start of the road. and maybe try another one.

Currently Listening To: Disappear - Motion City Soundtrack

Throw In The Towel Time?

just maybe.


cuz it's hard to talk to someone who won't talk.

i can't survive not knowing what's going on in your head.

it's like there's so many secrets. esp when you don't share.

maybe you don't dare. but then again, maybe u've never dared.

i don't know what i'm doing here. it's like i'll never get what i want and hope for.

so maybe instead of stepping further and causing both sides to hurt, it's time to leave?




thoughts thoughts. i've got so much to say. but i don't wanna waste them on deaf ears or stubborn hearts.


what's the point of all the words if nothing is done?


Currently Listening To: Tangled Up in Me - Skye Sweetnam

Just Some Pictures. To Attempt To Brighten Up The Mood. But Didn't Work

photos! enjoy!

^ kaikoura. ppl seem to like this a lot.

^ queenstown. summer.

^ queenstown. winter.

^ wheee. fun times! :D


^ proof that yumey is made out of awesomeness. :)

^ bomb the lamb. :D

^ new comp. the neatness that comes with this thing is awesome. and yes the thing around the monitor is the speakers. "surround" sound. lol.


lol k that's it.

now back to the usual emoing. :)


i need more reason to believe, not think.



k that's all i got for tonight. :)

Currently Listening To: Do Better - Say Anything

I Have A Problem Being Another Notch In Your Bedpost And Wondering About The Other Notches You Never Talk About

i'm starting to believe,


i won't be able to let go.




Currently Listening To: Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot

I Don't Know

i don't what you want

or what exactly ure doing.

i don't know what i'm doing.

what i'm feeling.

everything is just. messed up. and i'm confused. like totally.

i have this urge to send another email.

but maybe i'm rushing it? i know i shouldn't. but it's like, i need to know if it's going somewhere. or what is it you want from this? is it the same thing i want? or is it just a game?



another email i guess. but i guess it'll have to wait.

Currently Listening To: Holiday - Green Day

Heart So Heavy

like each step adds more weight to my heart


like i'm not supposed to.


like i'm just bound to get hurt.

for the things i don't know.


like i will never obtain the trust i need.



too many things going on in my mind.

and all coming out to ppl who are not the ones who NEED to know.


i guess i'm testing sincerity. and trust of course. which is why even if i know i won't tell. i'll wait to be told. so i know whether i can trust.



but yeah. seems like i won't get the trust i need.


i guess this blog is a window to my mind.

so i guess you do know what's going on in my mind.

Currently Watching: Dexter Season 2 Episode 5

Conned?

it feels like i'm being conned. i dunno why.

it's like i'm getting into something, but not knowing the whole story.

like u know buying a cheap phone, but the guy doesn't tell you it doesn't come with certain things it should come with. or he says it's better than it really is.


yeah. i have trust issues. possibly why i feel the need to want to know everything. or be in control of what ppl know abt me.


worst is, i dunno whats the point of saying all this knowing no action will be taken. guess i just need to let things out.



i hope i'm not being conned.



so pls don't lie to me or tell me half truths or avoid all together.


thx.


Currently Watching: Scrubs Season 9 Episode 6

Cuz I'm Learning To Breathe

i don't know what this song had relevance to. but i tot i'll post it up.

Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I'm Yours
This is the way
This is the way

Switchfoot

well first things first, the New Year is here. i hope so much it'll be better than last year. til the end of the year things weren't that gr8. but first day of the year, today was good. i hope that this year will be gr8.

my head is a total mess now. it's frustrating. should i listen to my instinct? it's been pretty right so far. and where i'm standing, i know i should stay back. aih. i dunno what i'm doing. i'm setting the standard very low as of now. but will i be happy with what i decide to accept? will i be okay not knowing the past? can i survive? or will i have to know to give me the peace of mind? should i trust? we'll see.


i'm becoming emo again. this sucks.


what a perfect song to play now. perfect lyrics.

gnite.

Currently Listening To: Masochist - Ingrid Michaelson