Stop Being So "Cool"

and let people in.


hmmm.

ok. got it.

silakan masuk. :)

Currently Listening To: Tonight We Feel Alive (On A Saturday) - Four Year Strong

It's A Secret

i just realised smth i said. and it's pretty awesome that i can say it.

what did i say?

this:

it's a secret, that's why i told only you.


:)

it's pretty awesome having someone you can trust to keep a secret i must say.



and yet again, i'm being happy, despite the fact the exam today was just horrible.

i think, i've had so many bad things happen in my life, that now, when things happen, since i've gotten so used to brushing them off, it's so easy to just brush it off and be happy.

i'm being happy when there's bad things happening. and the times i'm emo, is when my life is empty.

so, apparently, i function well, when there's bad things going on?



right.


lol.


and b4 i end, i must say this - I FOUND MY DREAMJOB.

details soon.

Currently Listening To: He Reigns - Newsboys

I've Lost Track Of The Days

everyday i spend in uni.

studying. and everyday is the same.

i've seriously lost track of the days.

currently it's the THIRD time today that i've found out it's saturday and not some other random day of the week.


damn studying.


funny enough, i know that tmrw is sunday.

so how do i not know today is saturday?

k my brain, is clearly fried.

Currently Listening To: Ocean and Atlantic - Mayday Parade

The Day After

and the day after, i got a postcard.

and it made my day again.

seriously, the amount of awesome friends i have, is just awesome. :)

u guys are def waaaayyyy too good for me.

thanks again.

and thanks Dana! :)

Currently Listening To: that every nation video song. dunno the name

It Was A Good Bday

it really was a good bday. i dunno why.

k maybe i'm just optimistic (and yet i'm emo at the same time?)

honestly didn't do much at all. literally spent the whole day studying. morning at uni studying. afternoon at uni studying. night at uni studying as well.

but yet, i can still say, i had a good day.

started off when i was awoken some time in the night to the first wish of the day in the form of a text from the best friend. thanks so much Laurz. really appreciate ur long text. :) i believe it made my sleep a whole lot better. :) haha.

then the rest of the day, i felt good. cuz i cud finally manage to answer this part of the subject. made me feel like i was brilliant for a moment. but then again, my classmates were doing all this waaayy before. so guess i finally caught up. i guess i really felt productive. studying, and finally seeing the result of my studying. felt good.

i think by this point in the day, i was like content with life. lol. yes dramatic, but yeah. maybe cuz bday + being productive + the texts in the morning = good mood.

came home for dinner, found a card and snacks from Bern. didn't expect that. lol. really meant a lot. thanks so much again. tambah good mood.

then just went to countdown with flatmates. tho i didn't buy anything, the walk and the lepak was a nice break from studying. felt good again. but then again, i was already like happy happy that prob everything i did after that felt good. lol.

oh got call from Laurz as well. so lagi tambah la my good mood. :)

after dinner, went back to uni. tho i didn't manage to study much, still felt good. company i guess. and i got cake as well. unexpected, but i'm still grateful for it. :)

so yeah. it was a good bday. despite being in the exams season, have to study etc. maybe i'm just an optimist that's why i had a good day.

and it's funny, i was thinking, was there anyone i expected to wish me? like u know, in your head, this person SHOULD wish me. and i really couldn't think of anyone. maybe parents? and fam? but if they're busy and forget, i don't really mind. maybe i should expect best friend to wish. but then it's like, i know she's busy with exams and stuff so i wouldn't blame her if she forgot.

i guess i don't expect from ppl, cuz hey ppl got their busy lives to lead right? kinda why i don't like telling ppl. kacau only. cuz some ppl feel bad when they forget and all. plus esp in exams season, ppl got better things to think abt.

the rest of the people i know prob don't even know, so don't expect la. haha.

and it's kinda funny to see who remembers ur bday on their own, without FB's help.

FB was like chain reaction this year. didn't post bday this year. one person wished, then everyone like just followed. (yes, unfortunately, when it's on FB, the person who wishes first on the wall is the only one who is considered as actually remembering. the rest were just "oh ya!". lol. but it's cool with me. all wishes are still greatly appreciated. :) )

once again, thank you to everyone. appreciate it. a lot. :)

i think the cake, took the cake this year. i dunno why. it meant a lot. :)

come to think of it, i think it may be the first bday cake i've had in NZ. cekap. :)

ah good bday. gnite. :)

Currently Listening To: Where We Belong - Hillsong

Sien

gr8. another girl who doesn't know when to just let it go. zzzz

Currently Listening To: Find My Way Back - Four Year Strong

The Shock Factor

u know it's kinda funny, eventhough i tell ppl how badly i'm gonna do in a test, somehow, even when i really do get what i say i'll get, ppl still end up shock.

i guess in some way, (i dunno if it's a malaysian thing or not) we always tend to downplay(?) ourselves? like we tend to say that oh we're gonna fail/we're gonna do badly, but always end up doing pretty well. i'm pretty sure most ppl know someone like that.

and well, being a guy like me, it was always frustrating to hear smth like that. cuz when i say i'm going to get 5/25, i really do get that. and then u got another smart friend who's like, "Crap i'm gonna do so badly" and they end up getting 95% for the test. i used to find that REALLY annoying.

i didn't know why they do it. was it to make the dumb students like me feel better? like oh if the smart guys found it hard, means i'm not alone.


but then now i realise, there's just different standards between us. like smart kid, probably has high standards and expects to do well for the amount of effort he/she put in. so when they work that hard, they want to get that 100%. so when u know u how much work u put in, and u don't manage to get that, hence, naturally you would say u do badly.

i mean, that's their standard. to them 95% is bad. and fair enough, for the amount of work they put in, u can't blame them for expecting more right?

so for the guys who don't do so well, we seriously shouldn't complain when someone says they'll do badly, and their badly is amazing to us.

it's probably just cuz of the fact that we have lower standards. and honestly, we shouldn't impose our standards on others. like why make someone set their bad to 50% when they know they have the ability to do well and set their "bad" level to 95%? in some way it's like you're stopping them from achieving their full potential.

as usual, i dunno if i'm making sense. but the point i guess i'm trying to get across is everyone has different standards. so ur friend has set his bad limit at 95%, you can't blame him for wanting to do so well right?


of course, on the other hand, if ur friend says he's going to FAIL, that's a whole different matter when he does (in your eyes) really well. cuz hey, Fail and whatever mark they got is FAR off. to me, that's still just bloody annoying. i mean, fail is like an absolute standard. there's no relative thing to it.

so yeah. that's it. i've learnt not to be frustrated when my friend says they're doing badly but still get an A. cuz hey, that's the standard they have set for themselves.

Currently Listening To: Lights and Sounds - Yellowcard

How To Know If A Joke Is Funny

simple. if u literally can't contain your laughter, it's funny.

it's like, if ure in the library, and u know u should be quiet, but, no matter how hard u try not to laugh at the joke u heard, u still end up bursting into laughter. while everyone around you stares at you wondering "what's wrong with this kid?/doesn't this kid know this is a quiet zone?"

and that's how u know a joke is funny. or how funny a joke is.

why am i talking abt this? cuz it happened to me.

was in the Grotto, and posted a FB status update which got a reply that made me burst out in a short laugh before i realised i was attracting attention. oh yeah, this was when it was pretty close to midnight and hence was pretty quiet in there. and i was tired. here's how it goes.


Me: Meng And Tuk
Joshua: tea door lah!


and for some reason i found that hilarious. i dunno why. maybe it's cuz Josh said it, but yeah. i just burst out laughing. sure it's not exactly a joke per say, but a play on words (and languages). but nevertheless, i found it funny as. haha.

good joke. good joke.

:)


(note: an understanding of malay is needed to get the joke.)

Currently Listening To: More Than Anything - Hillsong United

Blame The Thumb Drive

The kid scares me in some way. cuz only in front of the person i don't hold back.

like how last night, eventhough i practice such gr8 self control in the things i say, always keeping in mind the things i say, thinking first b4 saying, the words just came out. and a few seconds after that is only when i realised what i said, and how naturally it came out. it's like unfiltered me came out.

i guess that's what happens when ure close with someone or you both know each others dark secrets. cuz then it's like, what's the point in lying? like as if u don't know the stuff i don't want ppl to know.

however, i still managed to somehow keep that part of me away. like how i always hide that from everyone. but then again, i always hide that, so it's just natural to not let those emotions show.

but then again, maybe it was the topic that brought out the unfiltered me. well, it was a "special" topic. lol.

but anyway, on another note, my face reading/posture and reactions reading proved right. again. heh. either that person is just easy to read, or i'm getting better. i bloody knew it. :) thx for showing me i was right. lol.

it's funny how u can not like a person, and like a person for the same reasons. and the reason? cuz the person is exactly like u. like FREAKING EXACTLY. the thoughts he has abt certain ppl, are the same. like he thinks the same way you do. it's liberating to see it's not just me with those thoughts. but at the same time, you don't like him, cuz he's like you. all the parts you don't like abt urself, he has as well. and this "don't like" turns into a like as well. that's why it's prob easy to tell him stuff. it's just easy when there's someone like you. it's pretty cool having a bro.

it's also funny how he managed to ask that question. did i make it too obvious? or am i missing smth i should be seeing. i mean, i'm a complete fail at catching hints from ppl. but the weird part is, i tend to catch things i'm not supposed to know. it's a good thing i'm good at playing dumb. very good in fact that most ppl think i'm dumb. :( or so i think. but it works out somehow i guess. sometimes, i prefer to act/react based on concrete evidence rather than assumptions. esp with complex things like this. hmmm

and once again, on an unrelated note again, smth i thought of: i may be the best for you, but someone like you definitely deserves better than that.

somehow feels like a quote that could be used for one tree hill. prob that's what inspired the thought.

Seriously, The Odds Astound Me

wow. the odds of that happening is wow.

like come on. of all the places in the whole bleedin place.

has to be there. near to her. which i should be far away from.

life, or at least just mine, is damn bloody interesting.


on an unrelated note, i want a british accent.

so bloody brilliant.

yes, i blame hustle.

k back to ilam now. :)

Currently Listening To: Tonight We Feel Alive (On A Saturday) - Four Year Strong

What Shows Are Teaching Me

as i see it, there's prob 4 shows now that is affecting my life.

One Tree Hill
100% sure this makes up the emo part of me. the good side tho, it's like helping me to know how to become the perfect guy sorta thing. unfortunately, the show also makes me think there's like this perfect girl out there. which kinda makes you wonder, how come all the awesome stuff in movies don't happen in real life but the bad stuff does. hmmm.

House
this helps me figure out ppl's intentions, and possible reasons for doing things. (clearly not the medical side of the show). it's like he manages to figure out what ppl are thinking from their actions, and reactions. and also when they don't react as well.

Lie To Me
totally helps me read ppl better. like their facial expressions, voice tone, sentence structures, actions and reactions again can help tell if a person is lying. tho, some of the stuff they say, not too sure whether it's true. oh yeah, learning to control my facial expressions also, so ppl don't figure out what you really mean/feel.

Hustle
well, this show just helps to be a better con man. lol. and also thinking on your feet. and planning for all angles of things that might happen.


you know what. i just realised all these things i'm learning from the shows, are just making me a better con man. lol.

k class in 15. prob shud go soon.

feels good to be free. :)

Currently Listening To: The Running Man - The Audition

Contra

for a guy who is antisocial and doesn't like ppl knowing stuff abt him/his life,

i think it's really weird that i have a blog that let's ppl into my mind and the things i think abt.


so it might be, i'm antisocial but i want ppl to know what i'm thinking?

would that make me an attention seeker?

damn. i hate it if that were the case.


yeah. i'm a confused kid.



who's actually not a kid anymore, which sucks. :(


k blogging cuz i know if i don't blog, it'll be another topic i forget to blog abt. i know there's at least 50 stuff i wanna talk abt. but i'm always busy/lazy.

gotta reach that 1k!


k bye. it's 2am. i finished my last assignment. i'm going home.

bring on the exams! gotta start studying now.

ps.: yes. it's confirmed i lost my phone. damn bloody emo abt it. esp cuz like i was explaining today all the horrible things happening at the same time. haih. and another contra. i don't like ppl knowing/being able to see how i feel. but today, somehow the phone got to me bad. couldn't control. ish. :(

Currently Listening To: It Must Really Suck To Be Four Year Strong Right Now - Four Year Strong

Well, Yes, That Is Creepy When I Don't Know You

seriously who are you. i reckon i probably do know you.

so who is someone who's searching for me, but doesn't really know my real name?

hmmm.

u spent damn long on here searching for smth.

so what is it u r looking for?

don't be so stalkish and creepy.

u can always ask me stuff u wanna know. i'm really not as secretive as you would think (hence, the blog spilling stuff abt me.)

SO

WHO ARE YOU??

Currently Listening To: Company Car - Switchfoot

Jigsaw The Puzzle

there's this massive rant abt how it's not cool abt how i don't fit in here. and no i don't blame anyone else but me.

but i wanna wait and see.

3 years. quite a long wait no? and it's like building up every year.

hmmm


oh and a side note, if ure gonna talk abt blog stuff to me in real life, don't ever do it in front of ppl whom may not know abt here.

if ure not sure who knows, then don't say anything.

thx.

Currently Listening To: Pressure - Paramore

The Last Thing I'd Want

there's a reason why i like playing rhythm. cuz i'd hate to have the Lead Guitarist Syndrome.

never. never ever. i shall never let myself get that.

so i end up being mediocre. fine. i can live with that.

but never will i want to get the Lead Guitarist Syndrome.

(mind you, it isn't just for guitarist. i can apply to any musician and singers as well.)

k back to work again. which isn't making any sense. :(

Currently Listening To: Find My Way Back - Four Year Strong

Mix CD

i love the way mix cds can bring you back to that time in your life when you burned that CD.

like i can literally remember the sights,sounds,the smell and feelings i had of things from years back from just listening to the song.

it's pretty awesome. and i'm glad that i have quite a lot of mix cds to listen to.

plus, i also get to listen to songs i haven't heard in a while.


what sucks now is, after 6 years, i think my discman may be dying. not cool.


and still haven't found my phone yet. :(

but relying less on computer. spending less than 3 hours a day on internet these days. so that's awesome. studying more.

and yesterday, i felt useful. and i knew my subject. well kinda. it felt good. hopefully, this studying streak continues.

looks like i won't top up my internet til after the exams then. oh well, at least i study and save money.


and part of me, is somewhat "scared" abt going back. cuz i don't know what's going to happen. and i sure as hell, don't wanna go back to what happens everytime. so in some way, if you see smth happening, make sure i stop it. thx.

and yet at the same time, i'm curious as to see what would actually happen.

but in all this, i gotta remind myself that i can't be kind. can't be nice. and i have to remember all that's happened. cuz leopards don't change their spots.


hmm k i shud get back to work. i don't like that the only places in uni open 24/7 are the ones with comps. such distractions.

k gotta work and finish up study for tmrws test. which, somehow, despite my current studying, i have a feeling i'm not gonna do well still. oh well, might as well try than don't try right?


and what kinda sucks abt not having phone and net, i feel totally communicationless.

maybe it's a lesson i need to learn. learn to communicate more with people. get ppls phone numbers. text them. even if it is for fun. get their emails. add them on msn. actually talk to them.

need to be less antisocial.

maybe that's why i lost my phone. hmm.

think abt it, if i was social, i'd always be texting/checking my phone. hence, i would always be checking my phone. which would equal me not losing my phone. or instantly noticing when my phone wasn't with me.

k fine. after this, i shall attempt to be more social. note, attempt. :)

k enough procrastinating! to work it is.

Currently Listening To: Love Song - Sara Bareilles

You Got To Be Kidding Me

honestly, at this moment in my life, all i can say is,

MY LIFE SUCKS. MLS (cuz i don't wanna say fml cuz that "saying" is making 'fuck' waaaay too casual than it should be. plus i'm not really a person who likes to follow "trends".)

anyway, come on man. everytime smth bad happens, life sucks for a bit. and i say, it's ok, live thru it things will get better. so i raise my patience level. patience level with life i mean. so i'm still normal and not emo on the outside.

and it seems like everytime i do that, before i can even settle my previous problem, another one comes along. like ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

how many times do i have to raise the bloody patience level bar rubbish. this is getting frustrating. how crappy life is becoming.

no it's not easy to always try and look on the bright side of things. and be nice and be polite.

patience is running out.

there's only so high i can raise that bar.

Currently Listening To: You've Got The Love - Florence + The Machine

And Another One Goes Down

so another person breaks up. well, not today actually. but a month ago. but he only mentioned it today.

so that's like at least no.5 since i came to NZ.

it seems like, LDR for Malaysia and NZ is just impossible. k well not impossible as i know someone who's going strong for almost 2 years now.

but why ah? everyone is just breaking up.

is it really that difficult to do?

i really doubt it. doesn't seem to difficult to do. i mean, seriously, is phsyical contact THAT important?? makes you wonder the reason you're in the relationship in the first place.

communication is confirm not the problem, cuz there's internet la. you'd always stay in touch. plus there's phone also.

well, i dunno. i just don't get it.

Currently Listening To: Na Na Na - My Chemical Romance

I Like Not Having Internet

yes i do realise i have internet now and it's kinda contradicting my title.

but ANYWAY, it feels good.

like detox/rehab. it's good.

it's like now, i have more time to do stuff i need to do.

do not like the fact i rely on internet a lot. i realise how useless my comp is without the net. why? cuz i can't actually get distracted by it.

and the one thing i realise abt FB, it's like cocaine. the more u have it, the more addicted u can get to it.

it's like this, u post smth on FB, then someone may like/comment. then you go and see/reply. then u see smth else someone is doing on FB, then u comment/like, then they reply. then u come back and see other stuff and so on. SO, it ends up pretty hard to get off.

one thing i realise, i haven't posted anything on FB since saturday and i haven't viewed what ppl posted on my wall and what ppl commented. k fine not true. i did check. but i didn't comment or reply or whatever! so it didn't get worse. like more comments and stuff.

plus it got me thinking, we all survived b4 FB and frienster and what not. so we def can survive without it again. like, u wanna know abt ppls lives, go talk to them! stop being a stalker! lol.


anyway that's enough abt FB. there's other stuff as well. like my room is waaaaaaaayyyy cleaner. and organised. i think i'm eating better as well. work gets done. studying gets done.

k i'll say it. i like not having a comp. life seems better. i'm keeping this up til exams and after exams as well maybe.

lol. it's like i had some revelation like that. hahaha.

so why am i back online now?

i needed a break. this studying too much and working too much is crazy. esp studying and going thru notes and everything but coming up short. k coming up short is an understatement. more like being totally blur. and yes it's annoying as hell doing everything u can, and still failing. ish.

but that's besides the point. i don't wanna be emo. i'm in a damn good mood currently. and i have no idea why also. haha.

my life is weird like that. bad things happen, but there's been quite a few times i'm like damn happy. like take this year for example. i'm quite sure i've said it before, that this year is just awesome. but this year is SO SO screwed up. i dunno why life can be screwed up and awesome at the same time. life is weird.

aaaaannndddd lastly, as i'm in the middle of watching OTH right now, i just gotta say la, Brooke is HOT. :)

k there's prob way better pictures. but i like this a lot. there's just so much to the photo as well.

k i'm done. my internet break is over. i shud go off now. and sleep and go to class tmrw. oh yeah! i've been going to class also! cuz i got nth to keep me up. :)

yes. comp. is bad for me. so i'm gonna change that. rely less on comp. k go! :D

Currently Watching: One Tree Hill Season 8 Episode 4

And That's Why I Game

cuz it's relaxing.

it's the only thing i know that i do well.

and well, i like feeling good. i like the feeling knowing there's smth i'm good at.

unfortunately, the smth i'm good at in life, doesn't matter in the real world.



and why i game a lot? cuz when i game, i tend to block out everything else in my life.

like there's nth to think abt but the game.

and i think too much as it is.

and well, there's a lot of sucky things in my life to think abt.


so unbelievably, i actually need the games. to be less emo.


damn.

this is sad.

Currently Watching: Fringe Season 3 Episode 2

Damaged Goods

now i guess i know how it feels.

to know, you're damaged enough, that noone you would want would want you.

and to also know, that even if they did still want you, while knowing how damaged you are, you wouldn't let/want them to want you.

why?

cuz if their heart is good enough to look past all that damaged part of u, they definitely deserve someone much better than you.

so i guess, in no way, can i get what i want. or who i want in this case.

another reason why i don't try. i'm just full of reasons why i don't these days.

damn. i'm becoming more emo. not cool.

some part of me regrets what i've done. and the reasons why i did them.

but then there's this other part that says, hey there's no point, ure already this damaged, there's no point trying to fix it. nth will/can change. so just do what you wanna do. less things to worry abt.


it's like, you've crossed over the point of no return. so you just keep on walking til everything ends.


funny, how, the only thing that can fix this is a lack of conscience. unfortunately, i still have some left, when it comes to certain ppl.


oh well. that's my life i guess. i'll have to learn to live with this. it's my choices after all. i should learn to live with it.

Currently Watching: Fringe Season 3 Episode 2