The Need To Learn

cuz i wanna know whats so great abt the things i lost to.

yes i guess i'll b seen as a hypocrite.

but it shud b worth it right?

Currently Listening To: Your Own Disaster - Taking Back Sunday

Because I Suck At Expressing Myself

its true.

when it comes to being happy i jus haf no idea how to show it.

all i do is jus smile and grin to myself.


and not jus small grins. its like damn big and happy and awesome grins.

cuz i'm damn happy. and i haf no idea how else to show it.

i dun jump around and shout and what not.

its just not me.

all i do is grin. and go "thats just awesome" every minute. or at least smth like that.

i'm really not the expressive type.

so i need someone to help me out.

cuz i need to know how to react.

my sis said i shud b shouting and jumping for joy.

but all i did was as usual smile like crazy and say "awesome" now and again.

so tell me,

how shud i react to this mail?:

this email jus changed my whole day.

it just changed everything from my previous post. i'm now grinning with joy. haha.

this cud prob b one of the best things that has happened to me.

i am so grateful! Thank you God!! =D

Currently Listening To: 24 - Switchfoot

I Feel So

used...

and defeated.

the things i do to make things better.

all done in vain.

haih.

Currently Listening To: Almost Easy - Avenged Sevenfold

Traumatised

cuz i almost died and got into a major accident today.

til now i'm still freaked out abt it.

i ended up on the wrong lane with the car in front of me only one foot away.

thats the single most scariest experience of my short life.

i'll nvr do what i did again.

and this jus proves that this week will b horrible for me. esp since i had a good week last week.

holy crap la. i feel so lucky today.

Thank you God for protecting me. i'm really really grateful. it's such a miracle nth happenned.

damn. still in shock.

Currently Listening To: Crank Dat (Travis Barker Remix) - Soulja Boy

What The Emo?

haha. wei kau emo buat pe la wei?

too much all. u shud go and be happy. smile. run around with happiness.

this is what u wanted and whats best for u. and u know that too!

so go and be happy! =D

and make it last! =)


(man. that did help a bit funnily. haha.)

Currently Listening To: Life - Our Lady Peace

This Feeling Is So So Different

well, the last week has been awesome la. i've been happy the whole time. like a whole burden has been lifted. now i understand what she meant when she said that last time.

and i remember what you said also abt fighting for what u want. and i've def seen u work for stuff u want. like some super will power. but i guess thats for smth u wanted right? so yea, when u dun fight for me its ok. i get it. u dun want me.

and the stories abt wanting me and putting me first always? its ok. i know it wasn't true.

and i'm not angry or pissed or anything at all. i'm jus happy. =) i see now y it wudn't work. and y it'll nvr work. i see that i was crap to u.

and i'm not gonna whine and whatever. i wanna grow up and take it in my stride. cuz life sucks. i'm gonna deal with that.

so all the best with you! =) cuz u know whats right and wrong. and u know what ur frens r doin aint right. but if u wanna follow them, hey its ur choice. i jus dun wanna b a prt of that. i'm sry.

all the best with ur new guy too. i hope he's cool with all u do and all that. i know he'll make u happy cuz like u said everyone makes u happy. but i hope u can b comfortable with him. no i'm not talkin abt the physical part cuz u know la. but u know what i mean.

jus be happy and dun regret whatever u do.

jus remember, bein cool now may jus kill ur life later.

and no, dun think u only haf one life so might as well screw it all now. u still haf another life after this life. and i'm sure u dun wanna suffer in the next life. cuz i dun want u to either.

but its all up to u. i'm not gonna say anything anymore. cuz we know how low i was in ur life.

so goodbye and all the best then. :)

Currently Listening To: Echo - Trapt

I Love...

my friends and cousins!

cuz they are like the ppl who know how to make me smile and laugh when everything else around me is horribly bad.

cuz they give me encouragement like how most others don't.

cuz they help me feel like someone in this world. someone important. someone that means smth.

cuz they are there to talk to me and reply when i msg them eventhough its slow or late.

cuz they know that they don't haf to follow everyone else in the world to b cool by drinking, smoking and doing what other rubbish.

cuz they are already cool. to me.

cuz i believe they'll kick my ass if i do smth wrong. (at least i hope u guys would. haha! =P )

cuz they are supportive.

basically all i wanna say is I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND COUSINS! =D

i'm sure u guys know who u are. =D

so THX SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING.

Currently Listening To: So Much Love - Rocket Summer

Good Day Gone Bad

so it was monday right, 21st. everything started off good but went down the drain after that. why? let me tell u.

well, it sorta started good with a sorta "drain" too i guess. haha. to be exact The Stormwater Management And Road Tunnel (SMART).

yea. that morning i had the chance of goin into my dad's road tunnel. k its not my dad's la, but since he's in charge of it i'll say its my dad's tunnel la k. haha!



so it was my first time. and it was kinda cool and exciting la. haha. imagine la. water goes through this whole tunnel k. and we can drive through it also.

The Main Holding Pond b4 the water goes into the tunnel

so yea. it was kinda cool. plus i managed to go to the headquarters of the place too.

oh yeah. the reason i was there was cuz i was following my dad to work cuz i needed to go do my passport. renew it la. so yea. dropped off my dad at his office then Uncle Mani sent me to the Immigration place at Pusat Bandar Damansara (thats where Help Coll/Uni is ).

so yea. reached there at abt 8.30 and by 9 everything i needed to do on my part was done. all i had to do was wait 2 hours. ok know this PBD has nth that u can do to waste time at all. so yea. i was wondering how the heck am i supposed to use up 2 hours. oh and i had to get a new photo cuz the lady said i look diff. sheesh. 12 bucks poofed away there man. haha.

then i decided to walk around and lo and behold, i see Benji jus coming to haf his breakfast. so i join him la. so sat, ate and talked til 9 smth. then Benji got me into Help Uni and i jus followed him through the whole place looking around. then cuz it was almost 10, he had to go for and he left.

Help Coll

so yea. i was wondering now what am i to do for the next hour. then sudd Caleb calls and says his class at 10 was cancelled. so he came to where i was and we jus lepaked and walked around and burned another half an hour or so. lucky me la his class got cancelled. but kesian him had to waste money come all the way for no reason. so went and got my passport done.

sounds great eh so far? everything goin according to plan. so came home with Caleb then went out again later to pick up sis and give passport. so now my visa stuffs are all settled. =D then went to jaya side to buy game CD's. but apparently there was supposed to b a check that day so my game guy "din haf" any CD's. haih.

yup. that was it. thats where my day started to go bad. cuz after that i went home and the emo msges started comin in. the emoness came into me.so i decided to try and sleep it off. well i tried. din work.

so got up bathed and then me and Caleb headed to OU to meet Eunice and Sara to haf dinner b4 we go for Jo's surprise. but on the way there, i got stuck in the jam. =/ i hate jams. so annoying. so finally we got there found them and ate. it was gr8 cuz it took my mind off the emo stuffs for a while. then went for Jo's surprise at GSC to settle out the last minute plans on how we wud watch a movie and then stand up at the end with a banner to surprise him.

well, it kinda work cuz he was surprised the BB ppl and church ppl were there la. he expected the school guys tho. well, he's a smart guy what can i say. haha.

then things got extremely worse after the movie. i got to my car and the engine cudn't start. =/ imagine stuck at OU parking at 11 smth close to 12. Dheepan, the future automobile engineer came to help out but cudn't do anything. some random stranger, whom i think is also a Mechanic or Engineer also came to help and said it was a starter problem and cudnt do anything too. b4 all this happened i managed to call AAM and they said they wud come. so like after half an hour they arrived. and the guy also said it was a starter prob and nth can be done and the car had to b towed.

so thx to Dheepan, Caleb, Prakash, Ming Han and Yih Ren, and me in the drivers seat, we pushed the car down the parking lot to the outside of the OU parking so that the tow truck cud pick the car up. then we found out the tow turck wud supposedly come in one and a half hours time. so we decided to leave and come back later. i feel so bad for making ppl wait for me. SO Dheepan, Caleb, Prakash, May Hsien, Veron, Ming Han and Yih Ren, THX SO MUCH FOR WAITING WITH ME AND TEMANING ME AND WASTING YOUR TIME. really really appreciate it.

so when we reached Ming Tien, where all the other bday surprise guests were, then the guy calls and says the tow truck is there. sheesh la. talk abt bad luck la. so then drove back there and the guy tows the car back to Jo's house so that the mechanic from the workshop can pick it up from there. hey its 2am. there's no workshop open at this time right? so yea.

then we drove back to meet the ppls again and then since they were already done when we arrived i din eat la. and i was damn starving that time. but nvm la we jus left. and no we din go home yet. when to worms and played CS Iceworld til 5. then i went home.

it started out gr8. but everything went wrong. esp with the emoness and the car. haih. teruk la. and i went home and slept and only woke up at 5 p.m. i blame the emoness for sleeping so long.

but glad that day is finally over. but the after effects suck la. i mean, i tried to save things with her, but the words she said and the things that happened finally brought me to a realisation that it'll NEVER work. and eventho i hate so much the way it turned out, i guess this is how it shud b. other than the emo, i caused ppl to wait for soo long for no reason when they cud b doin other better stuffs. and i also haf no car now. which is y i'm wondering how i'm goin for CA tmrw. haih.

but i like the 22nd night. cuz i cud talk with frens and let everything out. i love when its the night b4 hols. cuz my kawans come online then. haha.

ok i shud shut up now. i've been talking too much. i'll be so amazed if anyone actually read this whole thing. talk damn a lot of crap la. haha.

bye!

Currently Listening To: Adelaide - Anberlin

Just Smile And Wave

cuz noone will ever feel how crushed u are inside.

cuz noone will ask.

cuz it hurts.

damn. i'm so getting a tattoo that says 'hurt'.

gone la. i dunno what else to say.

great going ben. now ure a confirmed fool. good job. :)

so now smile and wave and walk out and noone will know.

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything

I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand?
Is that the way we stand?
Were you lying all the time?
Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger, ahhh
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger?

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, but I was wrong

If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I'm missing you
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger, ahhh
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger?

And I'm missing you
You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger, ahhh
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger?

You know I'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger, ahhh
Do you have to let it linger?
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger?

Cranberries

Currently Listening To: Linger - Cranberries

This Is Why You Shouldn't KPC.

because then you go and find out stuff that will cause u feel hurt even more.

great move ben, great move.

damn. jus when i need my person to talk to. haih.

Currently Listening To: Alone - Avril Lavigne

Stab My Heart

cuz it felt like my whole body was crushing in.

cuz it hurt so bad i cudnt sleep.

cuz i sure hate the past.

cuz i wonder if i made a mistake or the right choice.

Currently Listening To: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

Where Is The Cap?

well, ever since my change of hairstyle, i actually haven't worn my cap at all. seriously. its til the point i haf absolutely no idea where it is in my room. and my room is not in a single bit of a mess. funny, the one thing i used constantly for 3 years (and its so super faded) is now jus sorta lost cuz of one change.

wow. one change changed a bigger very huge part of my life. i guess change does do that eh.

but now with my most recent change in my life, how will it be? will life get better or worse? will it affect others' lives. i hope not. i hope all i do will only affect me. but thats nvr the case right.

and another major change will b coming really soon. yup, my leaving for New Zealand. honestly i'm freaked out abt it. there's so many things to consider. how much money to bring, how much clothes to bring, will i be cold, will my studies be fine, will i haf any friends there, will i make the right group of friends, will i lose contact with my friends in Malaysia, will my visa be acceptable, will i miss home, will i be able to come home during that 4 years, will the scholarship money be enough to survive? jus so many questions and doubts. and those aren't even half of it.

but change is inevitable i guess. we all will haf to change smth in our life one day. it reminds me of Mark Tan's MSN nickname once upon a time

Change is like bitter medicine. We don't want to take it but we have to.
Mark Tan

so yea. a change is coming. and i've changed stuffs too in my life. some major some minor. but i guess it'll all come down to how i live with these changes.

That's just the way it is
Things'll never be the same
That's just the way it is
aww yeah

2Pac

Currently Listening To: Changes - 2Pac

Paradigm Shift

well it has to start somewhere. and thinking that now may not b thed best time or anything like that will not help one bit.

so i'm gonna try and let it start now. don't think so much and just let things be. hmm

Currently Listening To: Last Summer - Lostprophets

Rubbish Signs

My house to Putrajaya: approx 10 minutes

Putrajaya back to my house: more than half an hour. plus had to pay more toll.


i tell u. the signs are damn rubbish la. if u were an outsider right, confirm dunno how to get back home di. damn rubbish la the roads. and the signs also. sheesh. lucky i had nice songs to listen to while i was on the way back. hmm.

Currently Listening To: Road Signs and Rock Songs - Ataris

JT?

Don't wanna think about it
Don't wanna talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
I can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair

Justin Timberlake

Currently Listening To: What Goes Around.../...Comes Around - Justin Timberlake

Windows Live Messenger Teachings

this is what i learnt from some guy's nick on my Windows Live Messenger List:

"don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option. ;)"
dead_guy47@hotmail.com

and the timing for me to read this was impeccable.

Currently Listening To: Golden Skans - Klaxons

One Day, One Room

CAMERON: You need to get her to talk about what happened.

FOREMAN: No, he doesn't.

CAMERON: [to Foreman] Pretending it didn't happen...

FOREMAN: Wrong! Pretending this didn't happen is the best thing she could possibly do.

CAMERON: [to House, firmly] She's gotta make this real.

FOREMAN: You know what we should be trying to make real or process? The few decent moments in our lives, not the
crap.

CAMERON: [getting mad] Maybe you're right! Except there's no way she can pretend this didn't happen, so she has
no choice but to process it.

******************************

HOUSE: We talk about nothing, nothing will change.

EVE: It might.

HOUSE: How?

EVE: Time. Time changes everything.

HOUSE: [trying to shrug it off] It's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing
things,... leaves things exactly as they were.

Currently Watching: House MD - Episode 315: One Day, One Room

Ladies and Gentlemen

one thing i will never get is how girls ALWAYS expect the guy to be a Gentleman while they nvr bother to even try to be Ladies.

then all wonder when or how is their Prince Charming coming. or why he isn't coming.

Currently Listening To: Desperate People - Hillsong United

Didn't Think I'd Do That

k here's the story. basically my friend and i were at taylors subang to get some uni stuff done. so we parked at a parking spot and left. when we came back there was some guy who left his car with his frens in it behind the car so obviously there was no way to reverse. so i was like waiting outside our car and jus lookin at the guys inside the and wondering why they aint moving away for us so we cud drive off. so fine, i got fed up they weren't doin anythin so i went to see the guy la. well, apparently it was some arab looking guy (no dun imagine those guys in turbans sort of things. it was jus a normal guy. jus looked arab if u get what i mean) who said his fren who was driving wasn't there and he cudnt do anythin. so fine, i went back to my fren and told the situation. but of course we din wanna wait for the guy to come back la. we both had stuffs to do. so somehow i did smth i nvr tot i'd do. i went back to the guy and asked him if i cud move the car. and he said yes. so i got in sorta put it in gear and i moved the car so my friend and i cud go off.

honestly i haf no idea where i got the boldness and the braveness to do what i did. ok maybe to others it has nth to do with braveness or boldness. and well maybe it mmg doesnt have anything to do wit it either. what i'm trying to say is, i nvr tot i wud do such a thing la. i'm not the guy to go around making frens or talking to ppl. i feel i jus cant and its not me. i dun really like meeting ppl. i wud classify myself as damn anti-social and unfriendly. i think i wud prefer to stay away from ppl. and other than that, i'm totally uncomfortable driving other ppl's cars. scared i may end up doin smth bad to it. which is y i admire ppl like Jo,Pat,Ephram,Timothy,etc who can drive other ppl's cars with no worries.

but i guess i'm changing. and i think its been a continuous change too. like constantly becomin frenlier and talking more. guess i'm sorta becomin bolder and braver somehow. well, i guess a new year means more parts of me to improve and change? haha.

well, i guess thats not the first thing i've changed for the year already. ;)

Currently Listening To: Bang The Doldrums - Fall Out Boy

2007

k i'll keep this short and simple k. cuz honestly i haf no idea what to say.

for those who know me, i wud say that 2007 has been a damn bloody emo year. it is prob d first year i learnt to be emo. haha. y? well, a lot of bad stuff happened. some i cant understand y it happened and some i feel as tho it was my fault. then again, it cud all be my fault too. there are times when i wished i cud die. felt like bunuh diri. but that was all talk and thought la. whether i'll do it thats a diff thing. haha! but thankfully there were my frens who kept me inline and reminded me things will be ok. honestly i haf no idea what wud haf happened to me without u guys. thanks so much! =D

other than being emo and all, there were also good stuffs that happened. like i got to meet and know way better more ppl. some of them i wud call close frens now too. for the way they've helped me and listened to me and all. college was great too. i tot moving to a new class and being the class representative was gonna be damn crapfully hard. but it was gr8. esp with Ms Ong as one helpful and gr8 teacher. n i cant forget my great classmates too. this year was prob like one of the first years i had such good and close malay frens. gr8 bunch of guys. i also learnt the meaning of being lame too. seriously, no one can do it better than Poji. respects! =P haha. tho there were a lot or drama and rumours and probs in coll, i wud def say it has been a gr8 time.

in my world of music things haf been gr8 too. i finally act learnt a proper solo for a song (yes, i haf nvr done solo's b4 this. ;P haha!). it was The River by Good Charlotte. not that hard a solo but i'm damn proud of it. haha. i act played and practiced that song so much that i can file it under songs i can play blindfolded. along with Switchfoot's Stars and Taking Back Sunday's Cute Without The 'E' (Cut From The Team) and Error Operator. also manage to split my mind to manage to sing and play to one of the most hardest songs (i believe so at least) to sing and play which is Cute Without The 'E'. trust me. its damn hard. i think. cuz i've seen all the YouTube videos of ppl doin covers of the song and none of the guitarist cud sing and play. so yea. i feel damn proud. haha. also managed to learn how to sing and play Dance Dance by Fall Out Boy. those tough songs la. other than guitaring, my music collection also passed its 2000 mark and steadily increasing to its 3000 mark. haha. its seriously nth compared to other ppl's collection. so gotta try to get more! haha. plus bought 3 new CD's. which i feel is kinda worth it. Linkin Park's Minutes To Midnight, Hillsong United's All Of The Above and Goo Goo Dolls' The Greatest Hits: The Singles (awesome cd!).

on the gadgets side of my life, its been really great. i got my awesome phone which now is my phone/camera/music player. which i feel is soooo worth it. tho the price is dropping now and better deals are in. but i was the first few ppl to haf got the phone and i feel so proud. normally i check with ppl how good the thing is. but this time i jus went and bought without checkin with anyone cuz there was noone to check with cuz noone has the phone! so being one of the first few was kinda cool. haha. and also!! i got my baby laptop!! which is like one of the most canggihfied things k. thx to the PC fair deal and christmas deal, i only got it 4200 where as the price now i checked is 4800. damn good deal. and with this laptop, i can play games at full graphics settings k. that was awesome! NFS Carbon, C&C3, NFS Pro Street.. all at full settings. how awesome is that la?? haha! i so love this laptop. another damn bloody worth it thing. haha!

oh yeah.i moved house twice this year too. once cuz the ppl renting the first house at Section 20. wanted the house back. so my parents had to finally buy a house. so they bought a house which was still to be made and all that in some new housing area. so since we had to clear out from the 1st house, we moved to some other house at Section 17 while the house was being built and renovated. so in December we left the Section 17 house and moved to our new house. It's really nice and fancy. my parents did an awesome job choosing the furniture,tiles,fans,lights,etc.etc. seriously darn good job. and i hardly did anything. i feel bad. but yet happy i din haf to do anything. haha! oh yeah, where's my house? its jus past the Batu Tiga toll if ure coming from KL side. its the housing area behing the Batu Tiga KTM station. not that hard to find i believe. haha.

hmm. i believe thats it for year. i'm sure i missed out on tons of things yet i've said too much already. so i'll stop here. and it's honestly amazing if u guys read my whole boring commentary of my year. haha! eventhough my year was filled with so many stuff to be proud and happy abt, the emo and sad stuffs still hurt more, so i guess i can only classify this year as an ok year with a little more bad than good. well,i guess this is one way to learn abt the other side of life. haha. k gtg. lunch time. bye!

p.s.: Happy New Year 2008 too!

Currently Listening To: Dizzy - Goo Goo Dolls